Test results

I probably shouldn't have called the doctor's office from the airport yesterday, cause nobody likes to cry in public. But I really wanted to know the results of my clomid challenge test and the day 10 FSH. I was sure that the number would be below 10 and I would have something to celebrate. Boy oh boy was I wrong. Not only did the number NOT go down, but it went UP! It was 12.8, up from 11.4. The nurse wasn't able to interpret this for me over the phone, but we did schedule a followup appt with the doctor in a few weeks. But I don't think I really needed her to tell me what a bad sign this is.
According to what I've read, this means my egg quality and/or quantity has decreased to the point that my body is working really hard to make that dominant follicle every month. For sure this will mean that I should expect to require lots of extra drugs for IVF to even have a chance. At worst, it signals that my chances of IVF being successful are very low. I guess I'll have to wait to get the doctor's expert opinion on that.
So the choices I face now (at least in my mind) are all ones that I'm not ready for. I can't imagine using a donor egg and having a child that is really dane's but not really mine. I also can't imagine going through embryo adoption, a very expensive process, only to find that my eggs weren't the only problem and have those potential babies be lost as well. So that leaves regular adoption. But I just don't know if I'm ready yet to give up on the idea of having my own children. I keep hoping that with enough time, it will just happen sort of miraculously.

Which brings me to the topic of faith and hope. Some days I have faith that there is a plan and that this will somehow all work out. Perhaps there is a baby somewhere out there in the world that really will need me for its mother someday, and if I have my own children I will never meet that child. But other days I have no faith, and this all feels so very unfair. Faith or no faith though, hope is the one that really hurts. I almost don't want to hope anymore. I almost can't take any more testing, because each test that turns out abnormal just takes away a little more of my hope. If hope were just gone, then I could just be sad and then let this all go.
And yet, all the good test results in the world don't matter so much if I don't end up getting pregnant. And if I do get pregnant, then all the bad test results don't amount to much either. These numbers are a proxy, meant to set my expectations appropriately. Well, my expectations are now low. I don't know what my future holds, but it's probably not going to include 9 months of growing another person. And I think I'll be sad about that for the rest of my life.