It's hard to talk about the issues surrounding IVF or any treatment for infertility, without talking about the ever present pain of infertility itself. Today was one of the hardest days in a long time. I knew it would be tough, since I had agreed to attend the birthday party for 1 year old Benjamin, who I was Nannying for a short time ago. I expected that the party would be full of young parents with young children.
But the day started out with a trip to the mall to pick out a gift. I never before realized that 90% of the people in the mall have kids. Maybe I just have selective staring power, since I'm sure that as a teenager all malls were filled with teenage girls who were prettier and more popular than me. But today was overwhelming. I was dodging strollers left and right. I saw one couple that must have collectively weighed 700 pounds, and they had a young girl. I saw several teenage couples with babies. AAAaaggggghhhh! It seems sooo unfair!
Finally we found a store with babies clothes, and I actually did alright in there. I tried hard not to focus on the cute and tiny things, and got to work picking out a gift. And then on to the party. We arrived to find just what you might expect: Many babies toddling about in the middle of the room, with parents scattered around the edges. There were a few other childless people there, but they were probably barely into their twenties and not married. The rest were parents. And the conversation always started with some version of, "So, do you two have kids?". Sometimes when we said no, it was simply an awkward silence followed by that person walking away. One guy made a joke about how having kids was contagious and we should "watch out". For the most part, we simply didn't fit in. People who have kids want to talk about their kids. It's natural. But we were outsiders. So we stayed through cake, watched Ben cover himself in frosting, and then ran out of there before the tears came bubbling to the surface.
I'm afraid this problem will only get worse. Most of our friends are married now, and many have at least planned when they will start trying to have kids, while others have changed their facebook pages to be the new baby album. It seems only a matter of time until these types of parties will be the only time those friends get together at all. I now look to residency as a possible relief from these pressures; I'll be so busy I won't have time to think of such things.
Well, to at least touch on the issue this blog was created for: We will meet with the doctor in about a week to discuss the plans for IVF. I don't know what she'll say. I sort of hope she'll say the chances are so low that we shouldn't spend the money and I don't have to take all those hormones. But then again, this is my last chance. I'll probably hold onto any hope at all, and they wouldn't say no to $15k lightly.
Happy note for today's post: NO MORE CLOMID!!! Really! Ever!! I haven't felt like myself for a single day since I started this round of it for the clomid challenge test. But it's over now, and I don't have to take it anymore. I give public thanks to my husband for putting up with me during this crazy hormone controlled month.
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