Probably Not

Getting right to the point: I'm not for sure pregnant, but I'm not for sure not pregnant. The blood test done this morning was an HCG level. This is the same hormone that is checked for in the urine test, but in the blood they can get more than a plus or a minus. They can get a level. A level less than 5 is negative and means you're not pregnant. At this point, they wanted my level to be >50 to say things were going well. But it was not. My level is 16.

So this could mean a couple of things. It could be that the embryo implanted later than they expected and this level is just a very early value. Or it could be that the embryo implanted on time and just didn't take quite right, and therefore this would represent a level on its way to zero. So I need to go back on Wednesday and get another level drawn. If the level has doubled, then things are going the right direction. If it is less than 16, then things did not work this time. In between 16 and 32 I'm not really sure what to do with...they didn't really say. But it wouldn't seem to be a good thing.

The nurse said that she has seen things go either way at this point. But it did not sound overall promising.

In one respect, this is probably the most pregnant I've ever been in my whole life. But in another respect, this really just feels like a failure with a few extra days of waiting thrown in to ensure I lose my mind completely. I think I'll start planning my Wednesday pity party now. Perhaps a few alcoholic beverages to catch my bitter tears.

If this sounds sad, it's because I'm sad. I really, really thought things were going to work out this time. I knew there was a chance it wouldn't work, but that was the 20% chance. And it was supposed to be 80% chance for success. 80% sounds so promising. That's a B- and I'm an A student. I've never had trouble making the 80% mark before. I could ALWAYS make it above the bottom 20%!! But not now it seems. Now I seem to be scraping the bottom of the barrel again and again. I think if someone gave me a 99% chance of success I would feel frighteningly certain that I would make it into that bottom 1%.

For those of you who are optimistic, the glass half full part of this pity party is that: 1) we still have 3 frozen embryos that we could try for a transfer. And 2) we paid the extra insurance through our center that says if we don't have a baby at the end of this egg-donor cycle, we can go through another egg-donor cycle for only the cost of the medicines to give it another try. This cost $5000 but comes in at a $25,000 value. I hope we don't need to take them up on this, but it's nice to know the back up option is there. Lastly 3) there are options beyond egg-donor. Most of them don't involve the ability for me to carry a pregnancy, but there are other ways to put together a family.

Thank you for all of your prayers and love. Perhaps that wonderfully happy feeling I've been feeling the last couple days is really all the good energy coming from all of you. I'm so blessed to have your support. I'll keep you posted.