Expecting

Expectations are a funny thing. They can completely change how you're going to react to a situation, even if there is a very obvious rational way to react in the first place. So I'm a little nervous (ok, a lot nervous) about tomorrow, and partially that's because of my expectations. I'm expecting them to tell me I'm pregnant. Here's why:

1) I feel tired all the time
2) I'm sort of getting random waves of nausea
3) something just feels different
4) this random lady in Santa Fe, NM this weekend asked me: "Are you expecting?" It sort of took me off guard, so I just said yes. The real situation would just take too long to explain. She followed that by "I trained as a midwife at 19 and they told me I just have a knack for being able to tell these sorts of things. You're just glowing!" The rest of the conversation was filled with odd questions for this being a total stranger. Things like "Are going to give birth at home?" and "Are you sure you should be drinking chamomile tea? That's a stimulant and it could make you miscarry, or at least the baby could be allergic to it."

Aside from all the awkward questioning by a stranger, I kept thinking about how she said I was glowing. I don't feel like I'm glowing. I felt sweaty in the 94 degree Santa Fe heat. But what if she's right??? I let myself get so excited. And then I thought, what if she's wrong? What if I'm wrong? What if all these feelings and nausea and glowing are just side effects of the massive amounts of estrogen and progesterone I'm having to take?

And then I thought about the irony of the world. If that woman, that total stranger who knows nothing about my current situation, was implored upon by some force in the universe to engage me in this conversation, and if I am in fact NOT pregnant, that would be some $#it. Seriously, that would just feel like fate is kicking me while I'm down. And it's not as though this has been all peaches and roses up until now. It's not as though I'm due for some bad karma in this particular department.

So there you have it. I think I'm pregnant. I'm scared to say it, and I'm scared to think it, because hoping and believing can contribute to some serious disappointment. But here's a quote sent by a close friend which sums it up nicely:

	"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."