Test results

I probably shouldn't have called the doctor's office from the airport yesterday, cause nobody likes to cry in public. But I really wanted to know the results of my clomid challenge test and the day 10 FSH. I was sure that the number would be below 10 and I would have something to celebrate. Boy oh boy was I wrong. Not only did the number NOT go down, but it went UP! It was 12.8, up from 11.4. The nurse wasn't able to interpret this for me over the phone, but we did schedule a followup appt with the doctor in a few weeks. But I don't think I really needed her to tell me what a bad sign this is.
According to what I've read, this means my egg quality and/or quantity has decreased to the point that my body is working really hard to make that dominant follicle every month. For sure this will mean that I should expect to require lots of extra drugs for IVF to even have a chance. At worst, it signals that my chances of IVF being successful are very low. I guess I'll have to wait to get the doctor's expert opinion on that.
So the choices I face now (at least in my mind) are all ones that I'm not ready for. I can't imagine using a donor egg and having a child that is really dane's but not really mine. I also can't imagine going through embryo adoption, a very expensive process, only to find that my eggs weren't the only problem and have those potential babies be lost as well. So that leaves regular adoption. But I just don't know if I'm ready yet to give up on the idea of having my own children. I keep hoping that with enough time, it will just happen sort of miraculously.

Which brings me to the topic of faith and hope. Some days I have faith that there is a plan and that this will somehow all work out. Perhaps there is a baby somewhere out there in the world that really will need me for its mother someday, and if I have my own children I will never meet that child. But other days I have no faith, and this all feels so very unfair. Faith or no faith though, hope is the one that really hurts. I almost don't want to hope anymore. I almost can't take any more testing, because each test that turns out abnormal just takes away a little more of my hope. If hope were just gone, then I could just be sad and then let this all go.
And yet, all the good test results in the world don't matter so much if I don't end up getting pregnant. And if I do get pregnant, then all the bad test results don't amount to much either. These numbers are a proxy, meant to set my expectations appropriately. Well, my expectations are now low. I don't know what my future holds, but it's probably not going to include 9 months of growing another person. And I think I'll be sad about that for the rest of my life.

it's a tear jerker

wow, so i just found this video on the infertility forum I belong to. It's pretty hokey, but I cried my eyes out anyway. The pain is so very present, even when it's in the background. I love so much about my life, but I wonder if I'll ever get to take the next step.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ&feature=related

Crazy Clomid

I hate this drug. About a year ago I took 50mg Clomid once a day for five days, for 4 months in a row. It was supposed to help me develop a "better" follicle. And I responded well according to the ultrasounds, but no pregnancy ever resulted. When we decided not to continue with Clomid, I celebrated. It makes you crazy. Well, it made me crazy. I was having hot flashes and migraines, and the most amazing mood swings you can imagine. I would laugh and cry at the same time for no reason. But, it didn't work, so I stopped it.

Well, I'm on it again. Not to help with a pregnancy, per se, but to see if the clomid can suppress my FSH levels on day 10. If not, that's a bad sign for my eggs. So now I'm taking 100mg every night, and the hot flashes just started last night. A new side effect now: dizziness. When I sit at the computer for a while, it begins to feel like I'm floating around in an anti-gravity room, doing flips and spins. The mood swings are starting up again as well. I get all these feelings pent up inside that want to come bursting out, but none of them make sense, so I try to hold it in. A good trip to the gym helped me to unload some of that. But I look forward to getting to the end of this round of clomid. Then I'll probably never take it again.
The scary part is the blood test at the end. It's not the needles, cause that's old hat by now. But what if my FSH doesn't suppress? I don't want to give up hope of having a baby, but I have to be realistic about my chances. Nothing I can do to change it all now.

Oh yeah, and I learned online that bodybuilding men will take Clomid to reverse the testicle shrinking effects of steroids! YIKES! I wonder if they get hot flashes and mood swings too? Probably not.

Day 3 FSH

With the second round of IVF, we're going with a new doctor. As such, she wanted to repeat a lot of the testing we've done already. All of our previous tests were normal. So last week I went in for a baseline ultrasound and Day 3 bloodwork. I completely expected everything to be normal (which is weird really since I know I haven't gotten pregnant). But it wasn't normal. My day 3 FSH was 11.4, which is too high. It means that maybe my ovaries are running out of good eggs, so my brain has to work harder to tell the ovaries to make good eggs. The nurse told me that a more important number is what the FSH turns out to be after I take 5 days of clomid. If it goes back down, I guess that's a good thing. But I have to wait almost another week to know.
Yesterday when I got my FSH result, I was pretty upset. It's not anything I can control, and it's not my fault. Maybe I was just born with fewer good eggs than most people, or maybe my body got rid of them faster than it should have. I don't know. But I can't change it now, and it scares me about my chances to ever get pregnant. There's a lot of guilt when you know that it's your body that doesn't work correctly, even if it's not your fault.

In a way I think I shouldn't be upset, because the FSH has been whatever it's been for a long time. The only thing that has changed is my knowledge about it. Ignorance really is bliss. But now I'm much more acutely worried about what the level will be next week, even though I have no control over that either. And in the end, none of these numbers really mean that much if I don't get pregnant. All normal numbers but no children is really very little comfort. I guess for now I'll just keep taking the clomid 100mg every night. More about the craziness of clomid another time.