I'm sorry to say my repeat test today showed the level going down. This is unfortunate, but not a surprise. I'm intermittently resigned to the idea and intermittently very angry at the world. I guess at least I can have alcohol tonight, coffee tomorrow, and no more painful shots for a while.
We'll get together with the doctor some time soon to discuss what all happened and where we go from here. I have a million questions. I have a million doubts. I'm equally eager to try again and very afraid of another failure. It was really difficult to sit through clinic today and listen to other people complain about their problems.
Thanks again for all of your loving thoughts and prayers. I may update this from time to time for my own peace of mind, but I probably won't send out another group email unless we end up going through to another donor.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Probably Not
Getting right to the point: I'm not for sure pregnant, but I'm not for sure not pregnant. The blood test done this morning was an HCG level. This is the same hormone that is checked for in the urine test, but in the blood they can get more than a plus or a minus. They can get a level. A level less than 5 is negative and means you're not pregnant. At this point, they wanted my level to be >50 to say things were going well. But it was not. My level is 16.
So this could mean a couple of things. It could be that the embryo implanted later than they expected and this level is just a very early value. Or it could be that the embryo implanted on time and just didn't take quite right, and therefore this would represent a level on its way to zero. So I need to go back on Wednesday and get another level drawn. If the level has doubled, then things are going the right direction. If it is less than 16, then things did not work this time. In between 16 and 32 I'm not really sure what to do with...they didn't really say. But it wouldn't seem to be a good thing.
The nurse said that she has seen things go either way at this point. But it did not sound overall promising.
In one respect, this is probably the most pregnant I've ever been in my whole life. But in another respect, this really just feels like a failure with a few extra days of waiting thrown in to ensure I lose my mind completely. I think I'll start planning my Wednesday pity party now. Perhaps a few alcoholic beverages to catch my bitter tears.
If this sounds sad, it's because I'm sad. I really, really thought things were going to work out this time. I knew there was a chance it wouldn't work, but that was the 20% chance. And it was supposed to be 80% chance for success. 80% sounds so promising. That's a B- and I'm an A student. I've never had trouble making the 80% mark before. I could ALWAYS make it above the bottom 20%!! But not now it seems. Now I seem to be scraping the bottom of the barrel again and again. I think if someone gave me a 99% chance of success I would feel frighteningly certain that I would make it into that bottom 1%.
For those of you who are optimistic, the glass half full part of this pity party is that: 1) we still have 3 frozen embryos that we could try for a transfer. And 2) we paid the extra insurance through our center that says if we don't have a baby at the end of this egg-donor cycle, we can go through another egg-donor cycle for only the cost of the medicines to give it another try. This cost $5000 but comes in at a $25,000 value. I hope we don't need to take them up on this, but it's nice to know the back up option is there. Lastly 3) there are options beyond egg-donor. Most of them don't involve the ability for me to carry a pregnancy, but there are other ways to put together a family.
Thank you for all of your prayers and love. Perhaps that wonderfully happy feeling I've been feeling the last couple days is really all the good energy coming from all of you. I'm so blessed to have your support. I'll keep you posted.
So this could mean a couple of things. It could be that the embryo implanted later than they expected and this level is just a very early value. Or it could be that the embryo implanted on time and just didn't take quite right, and therefore this would represent a level on its way to zero. So I need to go back on Wednesday and get another level drawn. If the level has doubled, then things are going the right direction. If it is less than 16, then things did not work this time. In between 16 and 32 I'm not really sure what to do with...they didn't really say. But it wouldn't seem to be a good thing.
The nurse said that she has seen things go either way at this point. But it did not sound overall promising.
In one respect, this is probably the most pregnant I've ever been in my whole life. But in another respect, this really just feels like a failure with a few extra days of waiting thrown in to ensure I lose my mind completely. I think I'll start planning my Wednesday pity party now. Perhaps a few alcoholic beverages to catch my bitter tears.
If this sounds sad, it's because I'm sad. I really, really thought things were going to work out this time. I knew there was a chance it wouldn't work, but that was the 20% chance. And it was supposed to be 80% chance for success. 80% sounds so promising. That's a B- and I'm an A student. I've never had trouble making the 80% mark before. I could ALWAYS make it above the bottom 20%!! But not now it seems. Now I seem to be scraping the bottom of the barrel again and again. I think if someone gave me a 99% chance of success I would feel frighteningly certain that I would make it into that bottom 1%.
For those of you who are optimistic, the glass half full part of this pity party is that: 1) we still have 3 frozen embryos that we could try for a transfer. And 2) we paid the extra insurance through our center that says if we don't have a baby at the end of this egg-donor cycle, we can go through another egg-donor cycle for only the cost of the medicines to give it another try. This cost $5000 but comes in at a $25,000 value. I hope we don't need to take them up on this, but it's nice to know the back up option is there. Lastly 3) there are options beyond egg-donor. Most of them don't involve the ability for me to carry a pregnancy, but there are other ways to put together a family.
Thank you for all of your prayers and love. Perhaps that wonderfully happy feeling I've been feeling the last couple days is really all the good energy coming from all of you. I'm so blessed to have your support. I'll keep you posted.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Expecting
Expectations are a funny thing. They can completely change how you're going to react to a situation, even if there is a very obvious rational way to react in the first place. So I'm a little nervous (ok, a lot nervous) about tomorrow, and partially that's because of my expectations. I'm expecting them to tell me I'm pregnant. Here's why:
1) I feel tired all the time
2) I'm sort of getting random waves of nausea
3) something just feels different
4) this random lady in Santa Fe, NM this weekend asked me: "Are you expecting?" It sort of took me off guard, so I just said yes. The real situation would just take too long to explain. She followed that by "I trained as a midwife at 19 and they told me I just have a knack for being able to tell these sorts of things. You're just glowing!" The rest of the conversation was filled with odd questions for this being a total stranger. Things like "Are going to give birth at home?" and "Are you sure you should be drinking chamomile tea? That's a stimulant and it could make you miscarry, or at least the baby could be allergic to it."
Aside from all the awkward questioning by a stranger, I kept thinking about how she said I was glowing. I don't feel like I'm glowing. I felt sweaty in the 94 degree Santa Fe heat. But what if she's right??? I let myself get so excited. And then I thought, what if she's wrong? What if I'm wrong? What if all these feelings and nausea and glowing are just side effects of the massive amounts of estrogen and progesterone I'm having to take?
And then I thought about the irony of the world. If that woman, that total stranger who knows nothing about my current situation, was implored upon by some force in the universe to engage me in this conversation, and if I am in fact NOT pregnant, that would be some $#it. Seriously, that would just feel like fate is kicking me while I'm down. And it's not as though this has been all peaches and roses up until now. It's not as though I'm due for some bad karma in this particular department.
So there you have it. I think I'm pregnant. I'm scared to say it, and I'm scared to think it, because hoping and believing can contribute to some serious disappointment. But here's a quote sent by a close friend which sums it up nicely:
1) I feel tired all the time
2) I'm sort of getting random waves of nausea
3) something just feels different
4) this random lady in Santa Fe, NM this weekend asked me: "Are you expecting?" It sort of took me off guard, so I just said yes. The real situation would just take too long to explain. She followed that by "I trained as a midwife at 19 and they told me I just have a knack for being able to tell these sorts of things. You're just glowing!" The rest of the conversation was filled with odd questions for this being a total stranger. Things like "Are going to give birth at home?" and "Are you sure you should be drinking chamomile tea? That's a stimulant and it could make you miscarry, or at least the baby could be allergic to it."
Aside from all the awkward questioning by a stranger, I kept thinking about how she said I was glowing. I don't feel like I'm glowing. I felt sweaty in the 94 degree Santa Fe heat. But what if she's right??? I let myself get so excited. And then I thought, what if she's wrong? What if I'm wrong? What if all these feelings and nausea and glowing are just side effects of the massive amounts of estrogen and progesterone I'm having to take?
And then I thought about the irony of the world. If that woman, that total stranger who knows nothing about my current situation, was implored upon by some force in the universe to engage me in this conversation, and if I am in fact NOT pregnant, that would be some $#it. Seriously, that would just feel like fate is kicking me while I'm down. And it's not as though this has been all peaches and roses up until now. It's not as though I'm due for some bad karma in this particular department.
So there you have it. I think I'm pregnant. I'm scared to say it, and I'm scared to think it, because hoping and believing can contribute to some serious disappointment. But here's a quote sent by a close friend which sums it up nicely:
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Family
I'm sorry to keep you waiting for the update on how many were frozen, but I was happily distracted by a visit from family this week. So they told us they would be freezing 3 embryos. This is a much smaller number than I expected, but it's more than we've ever had in the past. I don't know anything about the quality of those three, but I'm sure they'll tell me if and when we need to use them.
It's amazing how few actual children will/would result from so many eggs in the beginning. here's a recap on the numbers:
17 eggs
15 of those eggs were mature
11 fertilized
9 were still growing on day 3
2 were ready on day 5, leaving 7 needing one more day of watching
3 of those 7 continued to grow normally and were frozen.
Statistically, of the 2 embryos already transferred, it is likely that 1 of them will become a baby.
Then, of the three frozen embryos, 2/3 are likely to survive the freezing/thawing, and then if two are transferred, it is likely that one will become a baby.
So that means 17 eggs = 2 babies. If we're lucky! Now two would be enough, but it's just astounding to me how nature works. Men make hundreds of millions of sperm every month compared to a woman's one egg. And that one egg is by no means guaranteed to be any good. It's just amazing. Babies really are a miracle, and my time this week with family really highlighted that.
I got to see my two nieces, and I LOVE being Aunt Sarah. Having the "next generation" around is what keeps the prior generations together. "It's what life is all about" is what I kept hearing. Funny thing how people say things like that. There are studies out there that show that married couples sans children are generally happier than their parenting counterparts. But maybe those studies are just too narrow to have any real meaning. Maybe you can't judge the worthiness of having children on the happiness of the parents in the middle of it all. Children are way, way more than that: they are grandchildren, nieces and nephews, cousins, friends, future members of society, and much much more. Thank you to my family for visiting this week and for distracting me from the waiting.
Speaking of waiting...well...what can you say about it? It stinks. Monday seems like an eternity from now. Part of me thinks "there's just no way I can be pregnant when I don't feel any different." And another part of me thinks "there's just no way I can NOT be pregnant since we've come so far and the odds are really in our favor." But really, either could be true, and there's nothing to do but wait.
It's amazing how few actual children will/would result from so many eggs in the beginning. here's a recap on the numbers:
17 eggs
15 of those eggs were mature
11 fertilized
9 were still growing on day 3
2 were ready on day 5, leaving 7 needing one more day of watching
3 of those 7 continued to grow normally and were frozen.
Statistically, of the 2 embryos already transferred, it is likely that 1 of them will become a baby.
Then, of the three frozen embryos, 2/3 are likely to survive the freezing/thawing, and then if two are transferred, it is likely that one will become a baby.
So that means 17 eggs = 2 babies. If we're lucky! Now two would be enough, but it's just astounding to me how nature works. Men make hundreds of millions of sperm every month compared to a woman's one egg. And that one egg is by no means guaranteed to be any good. It's just amazing. Babies really are a miracle, and my time this week with family really highlighted that.
I got to see my two nieces, and I LOVE being Aunt Sarah. Having the "next generation" around is what keeps the prior generations together. "It's what life is all about" is what I kept hearing. Funny thing how people say things like that. There are studies out there that show that married couples sans children are generally happier than their parenting counterparts. But maybe those studies are just too narrow to have any real meaning. Maybe you can't judge the worthiness of having children on the happiness of the parents in the middle of it all. Children are way, way more than that: they are grandchildren, nieces and nephews, cousins, friends, future members of society, and much much more. Thank you to my family for visiting this week and for distracting me from the waiting.
Speaking of waiting...well...what can you say about it? It stinks. Monday seems like an eternity from now. Part of me thinks "there's just no way I can be pregnant when I don't feel any different." And another part of me thinks "there's just no way I can NOT be pregnant since we've come so far and the odds are really in our favor." But really, either could be true, and there's nothing to do but wait.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Celebration Day
I apologize for not posting yesterday, but I really underestimated the difficulty of using my laptop from a horizontal position. I'm allowed to sit up to 45 degrees today, so it's a little bit easier. But maybe today is the right day to post anyway because there's so much to celebrate. Today is mine and Dane's 7 year wedding anniversary! It's also father's day!
So yesterday went well. I arrived early in the morning and got settled in this warm and comfortable room (imagine a massage room) where they started my acupuncture. I honestly didn't know that the pressure point for your uterus is about half way up your ear :) I was pretty relaxed after that, and then they brought in a valium for me to take. That is one feel-good drug. I was pretty out of it for most of the day thanks to that. So then the doctor came in to talk about the embryos.
Short aside...after much discussion, Dane and I decided to go ahead and transfer two embryos. But it probably didn't matter because when the doctor came in she didn't even ask how many we want to transfer. She just said "I have two beautiful embryos to transfer". I guess two of them were clearly better than all the rest, so they transferred those two rather than risk one of the best ones getting damaged by freezing/thawing.
Next the embryologist came in with an incubator that had a microscope attached and a big screen on the top. We were able to see the embryos!! Dane took some pictures with his phone, and I'll try to load those up on the website, but that may take a while. In any case, they just looked like two blobs of cells. But the doctor assured us that they were "beautiful".
Then for the transfer. This went pretty quick. A long thin tube inserted into my uterus was the guide catheter for the tiny tube that they sucked the embryos into. After pushing the embryos out of the tube and into my uterus, they were done. It was that fast. The embryologist checked the tube to ensure both embryos were out, and then they all packed up and left. I was left to lay there for about another hour, with some more acupuncture to help me relax. After that we came home and I've been laying around ever since.
So far I keep having little cramps, sometimes on the right in the back, and sometimes on the left in the front. I hope those are the little embryos burrowing in :) But really I have no idea. I imagine that implantation is one of those things you can't actually feel. So maybe the cramps are just from the invasive procedure yesterday. Either way, I'll be thinking happy thoughts and hoping until Monday the 27th when I get to take a pregnancy test.
So yesterday went well. I arrived early in the morning and got settled in this warm and comfortable room (imagine a massage room) where they started my acupuncture. I honestly didn't know that the pressure point for your uterus is about half way up your ear :) I was pretty relaxed after that, and then they brought in a valium for me to take. That is one feel-good drug. I was pretty out of it for most of the day thanks to that. So then the doctor came in to talk about the embryos.
Short aside...after much discussion, Dane and I decided to go ahead and transfer two embryos. But it probably didn't matter because when the doctor came in she didn't even ask how many we want to transfer. She just said "I have two beautiful embryos to transfer". I guess two of them were clearly better than all the rest, so they transferred those two rather than risk one of the best ones getting damaged by freezing/thawing.
Next the embryologist came in with an incubator that had a microscope attached and a big screen on the top. We were able to see the embryos!! Dane took some pictures with his phone, and I'll try to load those up on the website, but that may take a while. In any case, they just looked like two blobs of cells. But the doctor assured us that they were "beautiful".
Then for the transfer. This went pretty quick. A long thin tube inserted into my uterus was the guide catheter for the tiny tube that they sucked the embryos into. After pushing the embryos out of the tube and into my uterus, they were done. It was that fast. The embryologist checked the tube to ensure both embryos were out, and then they all packed up and left. I was left to lay there for about another hour, with some more acupuncture to help me relax. After that we came home and I've been laying around ever since.
So far I keep having little cramps, sometimes on the right in the back, and sometimes on the left in the front. I hope those are the little embryos burrowing in :) But really I have no idea. I imagine that implantation is one of those things you can't actually feel. So maybe the cramps are just from the invasive procedure yesterday. Either way, I'll be thinking happy thoughts and hoping until Monday the 27th when I get to take a pregnancy test.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
To Twin or Not Two Twin
Well my friends, we got more good news from the lab today. Of the 11 embryos that fertilized initially, 9 of them are still growing normally!! The embryologist described them as "growing beautifully". We are simply thrilled. The transfer will happen on Saturday morning, followed by 48 hours of bedrest for me. Honestly, I'm sort of looking forward to that :)
OK, so here's the tough question between now and then. The doctor will ask us when we arrive on saturday whether we want to transfer one embryo or two. Here's the difference by the numbers: if you transfer one embryo, the chance of making it to delivery is about 60%. Of the people who do make it to delivery in that case, 2% will have twins, which represents the case where one embryo splits into two before implantation. These would of course be identical twins. If instead you transfer 2 embryos at once, the chance of making it to delivery is about 80%. Of those people who make it to delivery 40% will have twins (fraternal twins) and there is a theoretical 2% risk of triplets if one of the embryos were to split and all three implanted.
The difference between 60% and 80% success to delivery certainly feels like a lot. But of course, with 9 embryos growing we could try out hand at the 'one-at-a-time' several times in a row. The 60% chance each time would be in our favor. But this approach would require more patience. Also it would require money since each "frozen-transfer" is about $2,000. Now, compare that to the realistic risks of twins: higher preterm birth rate, more low-birth-weight babies, both of which require more time in the Neonatal ICU. These babies are at higher risk for scary things like neonatal stroke and birth defects. BUT, the absolute incidence of all these problems is actually really LOW. Most twins do just fine. And there's some new data out there showing you can improve outcomes with twin pregnancies if you ensure proper weight gain and nutrition early on for the mother.
So I really thought I had my decision figured out. Dane and I had agreed to have only one embryo transferred. That's what we said all along. But I keep coming back to the twins. I don't know why. My heart just keeps drifting back to it. This may sound crazy, but when I was growing up I thought I would have twins some day. My Nana gave birth to 3 sets of twins, and I was sure that I had inherited this "ability". Alas, I was quite wrong about that. And Nana's twins were actually subject to some harsh realities: only one set of three made it to adulthood. Of the other sets of twins, one set had one early death, the last set sadly both babies died. I think this fact alone commands a healthy dose of respect for the risks that come with 2 babies in one womb.
I'm sure that anyone would tell me "there's no right answer". I believe that. If there was a right answer, my doctors would strongly campaign for it. They have not been shy about telling me what to do up to this point. So it comes down to me and Dane. We have to figure out how much risk in terms of implantation failures we are willing to accept compared to the risk of all that comes along with twins.
Which, by the way, I didn't even discuss all the EXTRA WORK it must be to have two babies instead of one. Two crying babies, two dirty diapers, two times the laundry, two times the baby supplies, two teenagers the same age, two kids going to college at the same time!! AAAAHHHH!! Of course, for every scary thing, I'm sure there are rewards. Two smiling faces, two happy warm babies to hold and love, two beautiful people who always have a twin to be their best friend. I'm told it's a special bond.
Dear reader, If you feel you have any wisdom in this department, please feel free to comment below. I'll take whatever I can get. Thanks for listening, and wish me luck. I'll update again this weekend from my bed rest.
OK, so here's the tough question between now and then. The doctor will ask us when we arrive on saturday whether we want to transfer one embryo or two. Here's the difference by the numbers: if you transfer one embryo, the chance of making it to delivery is about 60%. Of the people who do make it to delivery in that case, 2% will have twins, which represents the case where one embryo splits into two before implantation. These would of course be identical twins. If instead you transfer 2 embryos at once, the chance of making it to delivery is about 80%. Of those people who make it to delivery 40% will have twins (fraternal twins) and there is a theoretical 2% risk of triplets if one of the embryos were to split and all three implanted.
The difference between 60% and 80% success to delivery certainly feels like a lot. But of course, with 9 embryos growing we could try out hand at the 'one-at-a-time' several times in a row. The 60% chance each time would be in our favor. But this approach would require more patience. Also it would require money since each "frozen-transfer" is about $2,000. Now, compare that to the realistic risks of twins: higher preterm birth rate, more low-birth-weight babies, both of which require more time in the Neonatal ICU. These babies are at higher risk for scary things like neonatal stroke and birth defects. BUT, the absolute incidence of all these problems is actually really LOW. Most twins do just fine. And there's some new data out there showing you can improve outcomes with twin pregnancies if you ensure proper weight gain and nutrition early on for the mother.
So I really thought I had my decision figured out. Dane and I had agreed to have only one embryo transferred. That's what we said all along. But I keep coming back to the twins. I don't know why. My heart just keeps drifting back to it. This may sound crazy, but when I was growing up I thought I would have twins some day. My Nana gave birth to 3 sets of twins, and I was sure that I had inherited this "ability". Alas, I was quite wrong about that. And Nana's twins were actually subject to some harsh realities: only one set of three made it to adulthood. Of the other sets of twins, one set had one early death, the last set sadly both babies died. I think this fact alone commands a healthy dose of respect for the risks that come with 2 babies in one womb.
I'm sure that anyone would tell me "there's no right answer". I believe that. If there was a right answer, my doctors would strongly campaign for it. They have not been shy about telling me what to do up to this point. So it comes down to me and Dane. We have to figure out how much risk in terms of implantation failures we are willing to accept compared to the risk of all that comes along with twins.
Which, by the way, I didn't even discuss all the EXTRA WORK it must be to have two babies instead of one. Two crying babies, two dirty diapers, two times the laundry, two times the baby supplies, two teenagers the same age, two kids going to college at the same time!! AAAAHHHH!! Of course, for every scary thing, I'm sure there are rewards. Two smiling faces, two happy warm babies to hold and love, two beautiful people who always have a twin to be their best friend. I'm told it's a special bond.
Dear reader, If you feel you have any wisdom in this department, please feel free to comment below. I'll take whatever I can get. Thanks for listening, and wish me luck. I'll update again this weekend from my bed rest.
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