Still growing

I've had so many things I wanted to post about lately, but my time availability and access to internet have been cut short by moving. So I'll see if I can cover the important stuff. Things are going well. My ovaries are both growing steadily with multiple follicles. It looks like the retrieval will probably be this weekend. The bad thing about it taking so long for the follicles to reach the right size is that: a)it is really, really expensive to keep getting refill meds to help them keep growing, and b) the lining of my uterus (endometrium) just keeps getting thicker and thicker with all of this estrogen hanging around. This morning it was 15 mm thick. At about 17mm it will be too thick and they will have to freeze the embryos and transfer them another time. That's fine in theory, but could be difficult to time a two day break from residency (necessary for two days bedrest after transfer) with the right moment in my cycle for transfer. Oh, and it means more money. Everything is more money.

But all told, I'm doing fine. My estrogen is now above 1000 and I'm beginning to feel the effects. In the evenings I have waves of nausea and dizziness. My appetite has improved a little, but when I do eat, then I regret it for all of the nausea. Perhaps this is a primer for pregnancy. But I'm sleeping ok, no hot flashes. And I haven't had any full blown migraines either. This time around has been much easier in the way of symptoms.

And yet, I still want to be babied a little bit. It's probably silly, but I want people to dote on me over all of this. It sucks to take all these shots and go in for all the blood draws. It sucks to feel so hormonally pulled all the time. And it sucks to have no ability to exercise as an outlet. Oh, and I really would love a cup of coffee in the morning and a beer in the evening. Instead, I just watch everyone around me enjoy those things. As much as I want those around me to enjoy themselves and not be inconvenienced by me, I hate to suffer alone. Misery really does love company, or at least an occasional foot rub :)

The other morning at one of my monitoring appointments, I felt a little bit less alone. A young, pretty woman about my age got on the elevator with me and walked into the fertility clinic ahead of me. She seemingly had the same type of appt as me, and may also be doing IVF. I'll never know. Two other young, pretty women came in while I was waiting. It was the first time that the waiting room was not filled with women in their 40s! I always feel very alone when I'm the only young person in the office. Like this shouldn't be happening to me. Infertility should be a problem only for those who wait a long time to have kids. But that particular morning, we were all in the same young, pretty boat. I felt for them. I wanted to tell them that I understood what they were going through. I wanted all of us to commiserate about all of our friends who were having babies while we were not. Instead, I read Cosmo and waited to be called. But for a moment, I felt less alone.

I think deep down we all want to find people who are like us. People who can understand without having to explain. Not that I want to be best friends and go on outings with all of these infertile girls. My friends are friend enough, and I feel very loved and supported. It's just nice to know that someone, somewhere, understands completely.