Stable X

Results are in, and my X-chromosomes appear to be normal. Well, in-so-much as I am not a carrier for Fragile X syndrome anyway. I wish you could all see my little happy dance about this. So we move forward. I'll start taking my first meds in about 3 weeks, and the heavy duty stuff will start about a week after that.

I have to say, a little part of me wanted the test to come back positive. This is crazy, I know. Who would want a genetic disorder? But it would be an answer. And it would also be a way for me to retake control. If infertility can be described as anything, I would say it is a loss of control.
For decades now women have been controlling their fertility with contraception. Along with the assumption that we can prevent having babies until we're ready, we also assume that they will magically appear when we are ready. Infertility is a slow, relentless, painful loss of that illusion. I often get asked the question: "So, when are you two going to have children?". I think people see that I'm a highly educated woman with an important career, and they simply assume I'm waiting until the right time. It doesn't occur to people that my childlessness could be anything but a choice. So when I answer, "I don't really know", people are confused. How could I not know? But it's not up to me really.

If the genetic test had come back positive, then my answer to those questions would be different. It would be proactive. I could say that I've chosen not to have my own children to avoid passing on a destructive genetic defect. I would no longer be slave to the deficiencies of my own body, but would be making a choice to parent an already created child rather than pursue creating my own with such risk to their health. I would regain my control.
(as an aside, I pass no judgment on anyone deciding to have children with a known risk of passing on a genetic defect. it's a personal decision. and i recognize that no child is guaranteed perfect, whether you know the risk and the specific defect ahead of time or not.)

But that is not my path. My defect is not known or explained, and so we press on.