Estrogen Dreams

I started the first of the meds yesterday. Nothing heavy duty yet, just some estrogen supplements. My mood is slightly improved, and I have a little more energy. But last night, I experienced crazy dreams like you wouldn't believe. I woke up drenched in my own sweat. In the night I remember taking impossible exams in a school I've never seen, watching people's souls move from one body to another, and fighting people for reasons I cannot now remember. At 5am, I was ready to get out of bed just so I could relax a little!

Now that had to be the drugs. I've found that while I am naturally a vivid dreamer, my dreams can be turned dramatically up or down with the addition of otherwise benign seeming substances. For example, Mefloquine is an anti-malarial drug that makes many people dream crazy things while taking it. But when I took it, it made my dreams go away completely. I had no dreams for four months.

I was initially excited about the Estrogen supplements. They are supposed to increase mood, energy and sex drive. But this whole dreaming fiasco has put a bit of a spin on things. I value my sleep very highly! Well, I did add one other new drug today, called Antagon (Ganirelix). We'll see if that changes anything.

And the countdown for exercise and alcohol has begun. I've got one or two days left of each. So tonight: a trip to the gym and a bottle of good red wine.

Addiction

We had the pre-IVF meeting with our nurse last week. It all went well, and there really weren't any surprises. We went through all the do's and dont's, and what to expect with the meds. The only test I have left to take is a doppler ultrasound, to see if the pressure in the arteries leading to my uterus is too high. If it is, they will recommend accupuncture. For this test, I have to be off of caffeine for at least 3 days. And the nurse basically says that now is the time I need to cut down my caffeine, and be off altogether in the next week or so.

For those of you lucky enough to have no addictions, you will not understand this. I've done it before of course, and I can do it again. And you can't drink caffeine early on in a pregnancy anyway, so I knew this would come. But it will be hard! I will also have to give up running (all exercising actually) and alcohol when I start my stimulation meds. And while I will miss those things, especially the running, I will not have physical withdrawal like I will from caffeine.

I have definitely developed physical dependence on the stuff, even though I generally only have the equivalent of 1.5 cups of coffee per day. I wake up needing coffee. I crave diet coke in the afternoon. A commercial for good coffee or a cold diet coke will sort of drive me crazy. It's a good thing I have no interest in cocaine or anything REALLY addictive, cause I could probably never kick the stuff.

With the last IVF cycle, the thing I never stopped craving was caffeine. It was the first thing I had after I found out I wasn't pregnant. Even after the physical dependence was gone (only takes about a week), I still wanted caffeine every single day. So if you see me and I'm cranky, I apologize in advance. My vices are few, but they are sacred.

What's that? My husband has just cracked open a cold can of soda. Aaahhh, the snap and hiss of that can opening! The cold bite of the first sip! You will be missed.

On the upside, maybe now would be a good time to whiten my teeth...

Stable X

Results are in, and my X-chromosomes appear to be normal. Well, in-so-much as I am not a carrier for Fragile X syndrome anyway. I wish you could all see my little happy dance about this. So we move forward. I'll start taking my first meds in about 3 weeks, and the heavy duty stuff will start about a week after that.

I have to say, a little part of me wanted the test to come back positive. This is crazy, I know. Who would want a genetic disorder? But it would be an answer. And it would also be a way for me to retake control. If infertility can be described as anything, I would say it is a loss of control.
For decades now women have been controlling their fertility with contraception. Along with the assumption that we can prevent having babies until we're ready, we also assume that they will magically appear when we are ready. Infertility is a slow, relentless, painful loss of that illusion. I often get asked the question: "So, when are you two going to have children?". I think people see that I'm a highly educated woman with an important career, and they simply assume I'm waiting until the right time. It doesn't occur to people that my childlessness could be anything but a choice. So when I answer, "I don't really know", people are confused. How could I not know? But it's not up to me really.

If the genetic test had come back positive, then my answer to those questions would be different. It would be proactive. I could say that I've chosen not to have my own children to avoid passing on a destructive genetic defect. I would no longer be slave to the deficiencies of my own body, but would be making a choice to parent an already created child rather than pursue creating my own with such risk to their health. I would regain my control.
(as an aside, I pass no judgment on anyone deciding to have children with a known risk of passing on a genetic defect. it's a personal decision. and i recognize that no child is guaranteed perfect, whether you know the risk and the specific defect ahead of time or not.)

But that is not my path. My defect is not known or explained, and so we press on.