Estrogen is good

I am now 4 days into wearing an estrogen patch all the time. Prior to this my hormones were essentially suppressed with lupron shots. The shots themselves are akin to insulin shots (tiny needles, small amount of harmless fluid injected), but they pack a mean punch when it comes to your hormones. I was almost instantly tired and crying at the drop of a hat.
But now...Now I have estrogen. What a wonderful and magical hormone. I have more energy, more drive, more life. So why don't women everywhere slap on these unassuming little energy boosters? Well, they can increase the risk of breast and uterine cancers. They may also increase the risk of heart disease and stroke. Supposedly they trigger migraines as well. But all that is for when you get exposed to extra estrogen for years on end.

So for now, here's to energy! I needed something since I had to give up caffeine...

Starting Over

It's been a long time since I last updated this blog, and I thank all of you who followed along last time. In the two years since our last adventure, we've been having some fun out here in Colorado. I've been busy with residency, which is incredible, and incredibly hard. We've also skied a lot, hiked a lot, ate and drank a lot, and generally had some fun. But the time has come to try again. We still want a family. But the doctors were pretty sure it wouldn't happen the old fashioned way, and not even the old fashioned + high tech way. My eggs just don't seem to have what it takes. So we've found an anonymous egg donor!

Here's the crazy thing: all of this is just a few weeks away!! Let me catch you up. We found a donor in January, but she backed out in February. We found another donor in March, but she wasn't available in April and I wasn't available in May. So June is the month. The money is paid (LOTS of money), and I've already started on the drugs. The drugs are much easier for me this time, because I don't need to grow a lot of eggs. I just need to be on someone else's monthly schedule. But somewhere out there is a young woman who is also taking a lot of drugs, and doing it just for us (and $5,000).

If all goes according to plan, by the end of June I'll know if it worked. The odds are in our favor. At this institution, the success rate for one round of egg donor cycle is 80-85% chance of taking home a baby. Now that's pretty good odds. But it's not 100%, and I've already beaten some tough odds to get here in the first place. There aren't many 26 year old women out there who absolutely cannot get pregnant in four years with two rounds of IVF. But I'm trying to be positive. In fact, I've practically had divine intervention that said I need to just have a little faith. So here it goes... I'm ready to believe and to hope. Wish us luck.

Not how I thought this would end

Today we were all ready for the transfer. I was thinking two, maybe three embryos. At least one. But the doctor called this morning and said that after fertilizing a few days ago, they all three stopped growing. Just stopped. No explanation as to why. But that means there are no embryos to transfer. No bed rest today. No pregnancy test in 2 weeks. That's it.

I've been through a range of emotions already, from devastation to rage to despair and defeat. Now I'm just a little numb. I don't really know what to do with myself. I guess I could have some caffeine or alcohol today. I could probably start running about a week or so. But those things are little consolation. Maybe Dane and I will try to take a vacation before I begin residency. Who knows. I think today I will lay on the couch and watch a mindless movie. I just don't think I can concentrate on anything else.

It's hard to believe it's over, just like that. We'll still find a way to be parents some day, but probably not until after residency. Thanks for following along on this crazy journey.
~Sarah

Waiting by the phone

Today was one of the most frustrating days so far. I expected to hear from either the doctor or the embryologist this morning with an update on the other eggs and the fertilized embryos. But no call came. I tried very hard to be patient. Yesterday they called at about noon. So today I waited until 2:30 and called the office. Being a Sunday, they have only an answering service on the phones, whether someone is there or not. So I left my name and number, and a nurse was supposed to call me back in a few minutes. Half an hour later she called back.

This nurse was surprised that I was supposed to hear from someone today because they've all gone home already. And if I am actually supposed to have a transfer tomorrow, someone should have told me when and where to show up, among other things. She sounded skeptical of my story, but promised to investigate and get back to me. Another hour went by and the nurse called back to say that my transfer will be tomorrow, and my doctor would be calling me soon to discuss further. But what about the embryos, I asked. She said none of the other eggs had matured. So they didn't even get to try to fertilize them. That's all she knew. She had no update on the existing embryos, how they looked, if they were still all good, or anything. She said the doctor would call and the doctor would know more.

The doctor finally called at 8pm. She had been on call today in what she described as a very crazy day, and she apologized for not calling sooner. She confirmed everything the nurse had said initially, and didn't really have any new information beyond that. They won't have an update on the three initially fertilized embryos until tomorrow morning. At that point we'll discuss the plan. If there are one or two embryos only, they will transfer all they have. If there are three, and they all look great, then we'll have to discuss. The possibility of triplets is concerning, but freezing/thawing just one embryo is very risky as only 80% tend to survive that process. So we'll see what they say tomorrow on that.

The nurse and the doctor say I should try to get some rest. Try to relax. I'm gonna go take a hot bath right now. But I don't really know how to put my mind at ease. It feels like so much is at stake. So much is resting on this one attempt. I had really, really hoped that there would be a few backups. But I'll give it my best. After the transfer tomorrow then I'm on strict bed rest (I can get up for bathroom breaks only) for the remainder of Monday and all day Tuesday. I've already TiVo'd lots of movies and have a good book picked out. It will probably be the longest amount of rest I'll get for the next few years, at least until residency is done. If I have triplets, it will be even longer. I'll try to relish it.

hurdles

Yesterday's excitement of harvesting 11 eggs was relatively short lived. The doctor called today to inform us that only 3 had fertilized normally. So here's the breakdown: 4/11 were too immature to try to fertilize yesterday, so they'll try today and tell us how it went tomorrow. 1/11 appears to have done nothing. 3/11 fertilized abnormally by allowing more than one sperm to penetrate the egg, so they are genetically incompatible with life as they have 3 or more copies of all the genes, instead of the normal 2. And that leaves the 3 normal ones. Three is better than zero, but it is quite disappointing nonetheless.

Tomorrow she'll call back and tell me if those three are still growing ok, and if any of the 4 previously immature were able to fertilize. They will actually use a procedure called ICSI (Intra Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection) to try to maximize fertilization for those others. I don't really expect any of them to fertilize given that they were immature at retrieval, but we'll see.

I just feel like I'm running a race with an unknown number of hurdles. Everytime I jump over one, I hope that the end of the race is coming soon and there won't be any other hurdles, but then there's another one waiting. And I keep watching all these people around me running a simple hundred yard dash with narry a hurdle in sight. And I have no choice but to keep running, and keep jumping. Or just give up on the race. I don't want to give up, but I'm tired. I'm mentally tired and emotionally tired, and quickly becoming physically tired.

I asked Dane today, "When does the disappointment end?" He said "When you stop trying". It's not the answer I want, but it's the truth.

Short, sweet, and to the number

We got 11 eggs!! The retrieval went well, and Versed is a fantastic drug. The embryologist informed us that they were able to retrieve 11 eggs, which is great compared to the 3 we got last time. They'll call tomorrow with the fertilization report. On average, they expect about 60-70% fertilization rate, assuming there are no problems. So we'll see what they say tomorrow.

a tide of emotions

ok, i'm definitely emotional. I just got a call back from the pharmacy and they agreed that there was a mixup about the extra medication, and they are going to take it back. They will credit my account the $600 when they receive the medication back, and they are paying for shipping. This news made me teary, in a good way.

after last night's post and subsequent shot (ouch), I laid awake in bed for what seemed like forever just thinking about all the what ifs. What if this works and i get pregnant? How will that work with my residency? Where would we put the crib? What would we name the baby? What if this doesn't work? Would we adopt a baby? International or domestic? Would anyone choose us to adopt their baby? Would we want to have a white baby and play it off as our own, or would we pick any race/color/ethnicity and have it be totally obvious and open that the child is adopted? How ironic would it be if we got pregnant on our own after two failed IVF attempts? How exciting would it be to be able to share that news with Dane after secretly buying a pregnancy test at the store? And then we could tell all of our friends and family! it would be so exciting! you can see how all of this mind racing is not good for sleeping. so another nap could be in my future today.

I met with the nurse this morning, and the reason they decided to trigger ovulation for Friday retrieval is that all of a sudden my eggs starting growing like crazy! One of them grew nearly a whole centimeter in just one day!! And there appear to be 5-6 on each side right now. They won't all be good probably, but if we get a few from each side, that would be double what we had last time. My estrogen level is now around 3000-4000! So I guess I have an excuse for being emotional. I'll get one more call this afternoon to let me know if the trigger shot worked based on my blood test results. If not, I go in for a booster. But either way, tomorrow at noon will be the retrieval. Just our luck that tomorrow at 10am is supposed to be the peak of a big spring snow storm slated to bring in 1-2 feet of snow to the metro area!! The plan will be to leave early, drive slow, take the 4-runner, and let dane be the one behind the wheel. If we had a wreck on the way down there, I believe it would be grounds for my wanting to leave Colorado. I will say my prayers for safe travels.