I'm sorry to say my repeat test today showed the level going down. This is unfortunate, but not a surprise. I'm intermittently resigned to the idea and intermittently very angry at the world. I guess at least I can have alcohol tonight, coffee tomorrow, and no more painful shots for a while.
We'll get together with the doctor some time soon to discuss what all happened and where we go from here. I have a million questions. I have a million doubts. I'm equally eager to try again and very afraid of another failure. It was really difficult to sit through clinic today and listen to other people complain about their problems.
Thanks again for all of your loving thoughts and prayers. I may update this from time to time for my own peace of mind, but I probably won't send out another group email unless we end up going through to another donor.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Probably Not
Getting right to the point: I'm not for sure pregnant, but I'm not for sure not pregnant. The blood test done this morning was an HCG level. This is the same hormone that is checked for in the urine test, but in the blood they can get more than a plus or a minus. They can get a level. A level less than 5 is negative and means you're not pregnant. At this point, they wanted my level to be >50 to say things were going well. But it was not. My level is 16.
So this could mean a couple of things. It could be that the embryo implanted later than they expected and this level is just a very early value. Or it could be that the embryo implanted on time and just didn't take quite right, and therefore this would represent a level on its way to zero. So I need to go back on Wednesday and get another level drawn. If the level has doubled, then things are going the right direction. If it is less than 16, then things did not work this time. In between 16 and 32 I'm not really sure what to do with...they didn't really say. But it wouldn't seem to be a good thing.
The nurse said that she has seen things go either way at this point. But it did not sound overall promising.
In one respect, this is probably the most pregnant I've ever been in my whole life. But in another respect, this really just feels like a failure with a few extra days of waiting thrown in to ensure I lose my mind completely. I think I'll start planning my Wednesday pity party now. Perhaps a few alcoholic beverages to catch my bitter tears.
If this sounds sad, it's because I'm sad. I really, really thought things were going to work out this time. I knew there was a chance it wouldn't work, but that was the 20% chance. And it was supposed to be 80% chance for success. 80% sounds so promising. That's a B- and I'm an A student. I've never had trouble making the 80% mark before. I could ALWAYS make it above the bottom 20%!! But not now it seems. Now I seem to be scraping the bottom of the barrel again and again. I think if someone gave me a 99% chance of success I would feel frighteningly certain that I would make it into that bottom 1%.
For those of you who are optimistic, the glass half full part of this pity party is that: 1) we still have 3 frozen embryos that we could try for a transfer. And 2) we paid the extra insurance through our center that says if we don't have a baby at the end of this egg-donor cycle, we can go through another egg-donor cycle for only the cost of the medicines to give it another try. This cost $5000 but comes in at a $25,000 value. I hope we don't need to take them up on this, but it's nice to know the back up option is there. Lastly 3) there are options beyond egg-donor. Most of them don't involve the ability for me to carry a pregnancy, but there are other ways to put together a family.
Thank you for all of your prayers and love. Perhaps that wonderfully happy feeling I've been feeling the last couple days is really all the good energy coming from all of you. I'm so blessed to have your support. I'll keep you posted.
So this could mean a couple of things. It could be that the embryo implanted later than they expected and this level is just a very early value. Or it could be that the embryo implanted on time and just didn't take quite right, and therefore this would represent a level on its way to zero. So I need to go back on Wednesday and get another level drawn. If the level has doubled, then things are going the right direction. If it is less than 16, then things did not work this time. In between 16 and 32 I'm not really sure what to do with...they didn't really say. But it wouldn't seem to be a good thing.
The nurse said that she has seen things go either way at this point. But it did not sound overall promising.
In one respect, this is probably the most pregnant I've ever been in my whole life. But in another respect, this really just feels like a failure with a few extra days of waiting thrown in to ensure I lose my mind completely. I think I'll start planning my Wednesday pity party now. Perhaps a few alcoholic beverages to catch my bitter tears.
If this sounds sad, it's because I'm sad. I really, really thought things were going to work out this time. I knew there was a chance it wouldn't work, but that was the 20% chance. And it was supposed to be 80% chance for success. 80% sounds so promising. That's a B- and I'm an A student. I've never had trouble making the 80% mark before. I could ALWAYS make it above the bottom 20%!! But not now it seems. Now I seem to be scraping the bottom of the barrel again and again. I think if someone gave me a 99% chance of success I would feel frighteningly certain that I would make it into that bottom 1%.
For those of you who are optimistic, the glass half full part of this pity party is that: 1) we still have 3 frozen embryos that we could try for a transfer. And 2) we paid the extra insurance through our center that says if we don't have a baby at the end of this egg-donor cycle, we can go through another egg-donor cycle for only the cost of the medicines to give it another try. This cost $5000 but comes in at a $25,000 value. I hope we don't need to take them up on this, but it's nice to know the back up option is there. Lastly 3) there are options beyond egg-donor. Most of them don't involve the ability for me to carry a pregnancy, but there are other ways to put together a family.
Thank you for all of your prayers and love. Perhaps that wonderfully happy feeling I've been feeling the last couple days is really all the good energy coming from all of you. I'm so blessed to have your support. I'll keep you posted.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Expecting
Expectations are a funny thing. They can completely change how you're going to react to a situation, even if there is a very obvious rational way to react in the first place. So I'm a little nervous (ok, a lot nervous) about tomorrow, and partially that's because of my expectations. I'm expecting them to tell me I'm pregnant. Here's why:
1) I feel tired all the time
2) I'm sort of getting random waves of nausea
3) something just feels different
4) this random lady in Santa Fe, NM this weekend asked me: "Are you expecting?" It sort of took me off guard, so I just said yes. The real situation would just take too long to explain. She followed that by "I trained as a midwife at 19 and they told me I just have a knack for being able to tell these sorts of things. You're just glowing!" The rest of the conversation was filled with odd questions for this being a total stranger. Things like "Are going to give birth at home?" and "Are you sure you should be drinking chamomile tea? That's a stimulant and it could make you miscarry, or at least the baby could be allergic to it."
Aside from all the awkward questioning by a stranger, I kept thinking about how she said I was glowing. I don't feel like I'm glowing. I felt sweaty in the 94 degree Santa Fe heat. But what if she's right??? I let myself get so excited. And then I thought, what if she's wrong? What if I'm wrong? What if all these feelings and nausea and glowing are just side effects of the massive amounts of estrogen and progesterone I'm having to take?
And then I thought about the irony of the world. If that woman, that total stranger who knows nothing about my current situation, was implored upon by some force in the universe to engage me in this conversation, and if I am in fact NOT pregnant, that would be some $#it. Seriously, that would just feel like fate is kicking me while I'm down. And it's not as though this has been all peaches and roses up until now. It's not as though I'm due for some bad karma in this particular department.
So there you have it. I think I'm pregnant. I'm scared to say it, and I'm scared to think it, because hoping and believing can contribute to some serious disappointment. But here's a quote sent by a close friend which sums it up nicely:
1) I feel tired all the time
2) I'm sort of getting random waves of nausea
3) something just feels different
4) this random lady in Santa Fe, NM this weekend asked me: "Are you expecting?" It sort of took me off guard, so I just said yes. The real situation would just take too long to explain. She followed that by "I trained as a midwife at 19 and they told me I just have a knack for being able to tell these sorts of things. You're just glowing!" The rest of the conversation was filled with odd questions for this being a total stranger. Things like "Are going to give birth at home?" and "Are you sure you should be drinking chamomile tea? That's a stimulant and it could make you miscarry, or at least the baby could be allergic to it."
Aside from all the awkward questioning by a stranger, I kept thinking about how she said I was glowing. I don't feel like I'm glowing. I felt sweaty in the 94 degree Santa Fe heat. But what if she's right??? I let myself get so excited. And then I thought, what if she's wrong? What if I'm wrong? What if all these feelings and nausea and glowing are just side effects of the massive amounts of estrogen and progesterone I'm having to take?
And then I thought about the irony of the world. If that woman, that total stranger who knows nothing about my current situation, was implored upon by some force in the universe to engage me in this conversation, and if I am in fact NOT pregnant, that would be some $#it. Seriously, that would just feel like fate is kicking me while I'm down. And it's not as though this has been all peaches and roses up until now. It's not as though I'm due for some bad karma in this particular department.
So there you have it. I think I'm pregnant. I'm scared to say it, and I'm scared to think it, because hoping and believing can contribute to some serious disappointment. But here's a quote sent by a close friend which sums it up nicely:
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Family
I'm sorry to keep you waiting for the update on how many were frozen, but I was happily distracted by a visit from family this week. So they told us they would be freezing 3 embryos. This is a much smaller number than I expected, but it's more than we've ever had in the past. I don't know anything about the quality of those three, but I'm sure they'll tell me if and when we need to use them.
It's amazing how few actual children will/would result from so many eggs in the beginning. here's a recap on the numbers:
17 eggs
15 of those eggs were mature
11 fertilized
9 were still growing on day 3
2 were ready on day 5, leaving 7 needing one more day of watching
3 of those 7 continued to grow normally and were frozen.
Statistically, of the 2 embryos already transferred, it is likely that 1 of them will become a baby.
Then, of the three frozen embryos, 2/3 are likely to survive the freezing/thawing, and then if two are transferred, it is likely that one will become a baby.
So that means 17 eggs = 2 babies. If we're lucky! Now two would be enough, but it's just astounding to me how nature works. Men make hundreds of millions of sperm every month compared to a woman's one egg. And that one egg is by no means guaranteed to be any good. It's just amazing. Babies really are a miracle, and my time this week with family really highlighted that.
I got to see my two nieces, and I LOVE being Aunt Sarah. Having the "next generation" around is what keeps the prior generations together. "It's what life is all about" is what I kept hearing. Funny thing how people say things like that. There are studies out there that show that married couples sans children are generally happier than their parenting counterparts. But maybe those studies are just too narrow to have any real meaning. Maybe you can't judge the worthiness of having children on the happiness of the parents in the middle of it all. Children are way, way more than that: they are grandchildren, nieces and nephews, cousins, friends, future members of society, and much much more. Thank you to my family for visiting this week and for distracting me from the waiting.
Speaking of waiting...well...what can you say about it? It stinks. Monday seems like an eternity from now. Part of me thinks "there's just no way I can be pregnant when I don't feel any different." And another part of me thinks "there's just no way I can NOT be pregnant since we've come so far and the odds are really in our favor." But really, either could be true, and there's nothing to do but wait.
It's amazing how few actual children will/would result from so many eggs in the beginning. here's a recap on the numbers:
17 eggs
15 of those eggs were mature
11 fertilized
9 were still growing on day 3
2 were ready on day 5, leaving 7 needing one more day of watching
3 of those 7 continued to grow normally and were frozen.
Statistically, of the 2 embryos already transferred, it is likely that 1 of them will become a baby.
Then, of the three frozen embryos, 2/3 are likely to survive the freezing/thawing, and then if two are transferred, it is likely that one will become a baby.
So that means 17 eggs = 2 babies. If we're lucky! Now two would be enough, but it's just astounding to me how nature works. Men make hundreds of millions of sperm every month compared to a woman's one egg. And that one egg is by no means guaranteed to be any good. It's just amazing. Babies really are a miracle, and my time this week with family really highlighted that.
I got to see my two nieces, and I LOVE being Aunt Sarah. Having the "next generation" around is what keeps the prior generations together. "It's what life is all about" is what I kept hearing. Funny thing how people say things like that. There are studies out there that show that married couples sans children are generally happier than their parenting counterparts. But maybe those studies are just too narrow to have any real meaning. Maybe you can't judge the worthiness of having children on the happiness of the parents in the middle of it all. Children are way, way more than that: they are grandchildren, nieces and nephews, cousins, friends, future members of society, and much much more. Thank you to my family for visiting this week and for distracting me from the waiting.
Speaking of waiting...well...what can you say about it? It stinks. Monday seems like an eternity from now. Part of me thinks "there's just no way I can be pregnant when I don't feel any different." And another part of me thinks "there's just no way I can NOT be pregnant since we've come so far and the odds are really in our favor." But really, either could be true, and there's nothing to do but wait.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Celebration Day
I apologize for not posting yesterday, but I really underestimated the difficulty of using my laptop from a horizontal position. I'm allowed to sit up to 45 degrees today, so it's a little bit easier. But maybe today is the right day to post anyway because there's so much to celebrate. Today is mine and Dane's 7 year wedding anniversary! It's also father's day!
So yesterday went well. I arrived early in the morning and got settled in this warm and comfortable room (imagine a massage room) where they started my acupuncture. I honestly didn't know that the pressure point for your uterus is about half way up your ear :) I was pretty relaxed after that, and then they brought in a valium for me to take. That is one feel-good drug. I was pretty out of it for most of the day thanks to that. So then the doctor came in to talk about the embryos.
Short aside...after much discussion, Dane and I decided to go ahead and transfer two embryos. But it probably didn't matter because when the doctor came in she didn't even ask how many we want to transfer. She just said "I have two beautiful embryos to transfer". I guess two of them were clearly better than all the rest, so they transferred those two rather than risk one of the best ones getting damaged by freezing/thawing.
Next the embryologist came in with an incubator that had a microscope attached and a big screen on the top. We were able to see the embryos!! Dane took some pictures with his phone, and I'll try to load those up on the website, but that may take a while. In any case, they just looked like two blobs of cells. But the doctor assured us that they were "beautiful".
Then for the transfer. This went pretty quick. A long thin tube inserted into my uterus was the guide catheter for the tiny tube that they sucked the embryos into. After pushing the embryos out of the tube and into my uterus, they were done. It was that fast. The embryologist checked the tube to ensure both embryos were out, and then they all packed up and left. I was left to lay there for about another hour, with some more acupuncture to help me relax. After that we came home and I've been laying around ever since.
So far I keep having little cramps, sometimes on the right in the back, and sometimes on the left in the front. I hope those are the little embryos burrowing in :) But really I have no idea. I imagine that implantation is one of those things you can't actually feel. So maybe the cramps are just from the invasive procedure yesterday. Either way, I'll be thinking happy thoughts and hoping until Monday the 27th when I get to take a pregnancy test.
So yesterday went well. I arrived early in the morning and got settled in this warm and comfortable room (imagine a massage room) where they started my acupuncture. I honestly didn't know that the pressure point for your uterus is about half way up your ear :) I was pretty relaxed after that, and then they brought in a valium for me to take. That is one feel-good drug. I was pretty out of it for most of the day thanks to that. So then the doctor came in to talk about the embryos.
Short aside...after much discussion, Dane and I decided to go ahead and transfer two embryos. But it probably didn't matter because when the doctor came in she didn't even ask how many we want to transfer. She just said "I have two beautiful embryos to transfer". I guess two of them were clearly better than all the rest, so they transferred those two rather than risk one of the best ones getting damaged by freezing/thawing.
Next the embryologist came in with an incubator that had a microscope attached and a big screen on the top. We were able to see the embryos!! Dane took some pictures with his phone, and I'll try to load those up on the website, but that may take a while. In any case, they just looked like two blobs of cells. But the doctor assured us that they were "beautiful".
Then for the transfer. This went pretty quick. A long thin tube inserted into my uterus was the guide catheter for the tiny tube that they sucked the embryos into. After pushing the embryos out of the tube and into my uterus, they were done. It was that fast. The embryologist checked the tube to ensure both embryos were out, and then they all packed up and left. I was left to lay there for about another hour, with some more acupuncture to help me relax. After that we came home and I've been laying around ever since.
So far I keep having little cramps, sometimes on the right in the back, and sometimes on the left in the front. I hope those are the little embryos burrowing in :) But really I have no idea. I imagine that implantation is one of those things you can't actually feel. So maybe the cramps are just from the invasive procedure yesterday. Either way, I'll be thinking happy thoughts and hoping until Monday the 27th when I get to take a pregnancy test.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
To Twin or Not Two Twin
Well my friends, we got more good news from the lab today. Of the 11 embryos that fertilized initially, 9 of them are still growing normally!! The embryologist described them as "growing beautifully". We are simply thrilled. The transfer will happen on Saturday morning, followed by 48 hours of bedrest for me. Honestly, I'm sort of looking forward to that :)
OK, so here's the tough question between now and then. The doctor will ask us when we arrive on saturday whether we want to transfer one embryo or two. Here's the difference by the numbers: if you transfer one embryo, the chance of making it to delivery is about 60%. Of the people who do make it to delivery in that case, 2% will have twins, which represents the case where one embryo splits into two before implantation. These would of course be identical twins. If instead you transfer 2 embryos at once, the chance of making it to delivery is about 80%. Of those people who make it to delivery 40% will have twins (fraternal twins) and there is a theoretical 2% risk of triplets if one of the embryos were to split and all three implanted.
The difference between 60% and 80% success to delivery certainly feels like a lot. But of course, with 9 embryos growing we could try out hand at the 'one-at-a-time' several times in a row. The 60% chance each time would be in our favor. But this approach would require more patience. Also it would require money since each "frozen-transfer" is about $2,000. Now, compare that to the realistic risks of twins: higher preterm birth rate, more low-birth-weight babies, both of which require more time in the Neonatal ICU. These babies are at higher risk for scary things like neonatal stroke and birth defects. BUT, the absolute incidence of all these problems is actually really LOW. Most twins do just fine. And there's some new data out there showing you can improve outcomes with twin pregnancies if you ensure proper weight gain and nutrition early on for the mother.
So I really thought I had my decision figured out. Dane and I had agreed to have only one embryo transferred. That's what we said all along. But I keep coming back to the twins. I don't know why. My heart just keeps drifting back to it. This may sound crazy, but when I was growing up I thought I would have twins some day. My Nana gave birth to 3 sets of twins, and I was sure that I had inherited this "ability". Alas, I was quite wrong about that. And Nana's twins were actually subject to some harsh realities: only one set of three made it to adulthood. Of the other sets of twins, one set had one early death, the last set sadly both babies died. I think this fact alone commands a healthy dose of respect for the risks that come with 2 babies in one womb.
I'm sure that anyone would tell me "there's no right answer". I believe that. If there was a right answer, my doctors would strongly campaign for it. They have not been shy about telling me what to do up to this point. So it comes down to me and Dane. We have to figure out how much risk in terms of implantation failures we are willing to accept compared to the risk of all that comes along with twins.
Which, by the way, I didn't even discuss all the EXTRA WORK it must be to have two babies instead of one. Two crying babies, two dirty diapers, two times the laundry, two times the baby supplies, two teenagers the same age, two kids going to college at the same time!! AAAAHHHH!! Of course, for every scary thing, I'm sure there are rewards. Two smiling faces, two happy warm babies to hold and love, two beautiful people who always have a twin to be their best friend. I'm told it's a special bond.
Dear reader, If you feel you have any wisdom in this department, please feel free to comment below. I'll take whatever I can get. Thanks for listening, and wish me luck. I'll update again this weekend from my bed rest.
OK, so here's the tough question between now and then. The doctor will ask us when we arrive on saturday whether we want to transfer one embryo or two. Here's the difference by the numbers: if you transfer one embryo, the chance of making it to delivery is about 60%. Of the people who do make it to delivery in that case, 2% will have twins, which represents the case where one embryo splits into two before implantation. These would of course be identical twins. If instead you transfer 2 embryos at once, the chance of making it to delivery is about 80%. Of those people who make it to delivery 40% will have twins (fraternal twins) and there is a theoretical 2% risk of triplets if one of the embryos were to split and all three implanted.
The difference between 60% and 80% success to delivery certainly feels like a lot. But of course, with 9 embryos growing we could try out hand at the 'one-at-a-time' several times in a row. The 60% chance each time would be in our favor. But this approach would require more patience. Also it would require money since each "frozen-transfer" is about $2,000. Now, compare that to the realistic risks of twins: higher preterm birth rate, more low-birth-weight babies, both of which require more time in the Neonatal ICU. These babies are at higher risk for scary things like neonatal stroke and birth defects. BUT, the absolute incidence of all these problems is actually really LOW. Most twins do just fine. And there's some new data out there showing you can improve outcomes with twin pregnancies if you ensure proper weight gain and nutrition early on for the mother.
So I really thought I had my decision figured out. Dane and I had agreed to have only one embryo transferred. That's what we said all along. But I keep coming back to the twins. I don't know why. My heart just keeps drifting back to it. This may sound crazy, but when I was growing up I thought I would have twins some day. My Nana gave birth to 3 sets of twins, and I was sure that I had inherited this "ability". Alas, I was quite wrong about that. And Nana's twins were actually subject to some harsh realities: only one set of three made it to adulthood. Of the other sets of twins, one set had one early death, the last set sadly both babies died. I think this fact alone commands a healthy dose of respect for the risks that come with 2 babies in one womb.
I'm sure that anyone would tell me "there's no right answer". I believe that. If there was a right answer, my doctors would strongly campaign for it. They have not been shy about telling me what to do up to this point. So it comes down to me and Dane. We have to figure out how much risk in terms of implantation failures we are willing to accept compared to the risk of all that comes along with twins.
Which, by the way, I didn't even discuss all the EXTRA WORK it must be to have two babies instead of one. Two crying babies, two dirty diapers, two times the laundry, two times the baby supplies, two teenagers the same age, two kids going to college at the same time!! AAAAHHHH!! Of course, for every scary thing, I'm sure there are rewards. Two smiling faces, two happy warm babies to hold and love, two beautiful people who always have a twin to be their best friend. I'm told it's a special bond.
Dear reader, If you feel you have any wisdom in this department, please feel free to comment below. I'll take whatever I can get. Thanks for listening, and wish me luck. I'll update again this weekend from my bed rest.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Babies dancing in my head!
Good news from the lab today. Yesterday at egg retrieval they got 17 eggs!! That's quite a few more than they expected. Thank you donor. We will be forever grateful.
At this point, the doctors would have normally just mixed the sperm with the eggs and let nature take its course. But that's not what happened. Since last time we had a problem called "polyspermia", the doctors elected to do ICSI. So let me explain. Last time, the eggs that we did get, many of them ended up fertilizing with more than one sperm per egg. That's not normal. It was probably a problem with my eggs, but they couldn't be sure there wasn't a component of sperm problems too. And right now is not the time to test the waters. So they decided to do ICSI, which is "intracytoplasmic sperm injection". This is where they suck up a single sperm with a tiny glass needle, then break a hole in the lining around the egg with a laser and insert the sperm inside. This way they can ensure that each egg only has one sperm inside.
I don't altogether love the idea of ICSI. It takes some of the natural selection out of the process. Usually the strongest sperm would win out (or so the theory goes). But when the scientists look under the microscope they can only see some aspects of the sperm. As a result of this, some (but not all) studies have shown that when you do ICSI the resulting children have a higher incidence of genetic defects and birth defects compared to IVF without ICSI. The absolute incidence is still quite low, but it's about twice as likely relative to non-ICSI children. This worries me of course. But in the end, regardless of how a child is conceived, there is no guarantee of perfection.
OK, now that you understand ICSI, I can finish the story. So they got 17 eggs. The eggs get a few hours to finish maturing. By the time they went to do ICSI, 15 eggs had matured. Those each got a sperm injection. Then they wait 24 hours to see which eggs will fertilize. What they are looking for is for the DNA portion of the egg to replicate into two. This means they are preparing to grow. SOOO.....this morning, 11 eggs had fertilized!! Now, this does not equal 11 children. (too bad, cause we could have our own baseball team.) Not all 11 will keep growing normally, but we hope that most of them will. We'll get an update on that this Thursday. The plan from there would be transfer of the best looking embryo on Saturday, and freezing of the others. Hopefully there would be enough frozen embryos to allow us to complete our family over time.
I hope you can feel the excitement through the electronic distance. We're thrilled here. There's certainly more to go before all is said and done.
At this point, the doctors would have normally just mixed the sperm with the eggs and let nature take its course. But that's not what happened. Since last time we had a problem called "polyspermia", the doctors elected to do ICSI. So let me explain. Last time, the eggs that we did get, many of them ended up fertilizing with more than one sperm per egg. That's not normal. It was probably a problem with my eggs, but they couldn't be sure there wasn't a component of sperm problems too. And right now is not the time to test the waters. So they decided to do ICSI, which is "intracytoplasmic sperm injection". This is where they suck up a single sperm with a tiny glass needle, then break a hole in the lining around the egg with a laser and insert the sperm inside. This way they can ensure that each egg only has one sperm inside.
I don't altogether love the idea of ICSI. It takes some of the natural selection out of the process. Usually the strongest sperm would win out (or so the theory goes). But when the scientists look under the microscope they can only see some aspects of the sperm. As a result of this, some (but not all) studies have shown that when you do ICSI the resulting children have a higher incidence of genetic defects and birth defects compared to IVF without ICSI. The absolute incidence is still quite low, but it's about twice as likely relative to non-ICSI children. This worries me of course. But in the end, regardless of how a child is conceived, there is no guarantee of perfection.
OK, now that you understand ICSI, I can finish the story. So they got 17 eggs. The eggs get a few hours to finish maturing. By the time they went to do ICSI, 15 eggs had matured. Those each got a sperm injection. Then they wait 24 hours to see which eggs will fertilize. What they are looking for is for the DNA portion of the egg to replicate into two. This means they are preparing to grow. SOOO.....this morning, 11 eggs had fertilized!! Now, this does not equal 11 children. (too bad, cause we could have our own baseball team.) Not all 11 will keep growing normally, but we hope that most of them will. We'll get an update on that this Thursday. The plan from there would be transfer of the best looking embryo on Saturday, and freezing of the others. Hopefully there would be enough frozen embryos to allow us to complete our family over time.
I hope you can feel the excitement through the electronic distance. We're thrilled here. There's certainly more to go before all is said and done.
Monday, June 13, 2011
The waiting game...again
I just looked back and reread some of my posts from 2 years ago at this point in the IVF cycle. I forgot how nervous and worried I was. I was downright hysterical at times. I was waiting by the phone for ANY news of the embryos. And, well, all the news was bad.
But this time, things are different. Our donor had egg retrieval today, and Dane finally got to play his big role, but we won't get an update on the number fertilized or anything until tomorrow. I don't even know how many eggs they actually retrieved.
And so far, things are pretty chill around the house. It just doesn't seem so intense as last time. Maybe that's because I don't have quite the same crazy high level of hormones floating around as I did when they were my eggs. Or maybe it's because I have a much healthier balance between hope and reality this time around. Whatever the case may be, I'm thankful for the calm feelings.
If you're lucky enough to be in Colorado right now, I hope you're enjoying the beautiful thunder storm and light rain that just blew over. It'll be a great way to fall asleep and dream of fertilizing embryos.
But this time, things are different. Our donor had egg retrieval today, and Dane finally got to play his big role, but we won't get an update on the number fertilized or anything until tomorrow. I don't even know how many eggs they actually retrieved.
And so far, things are pretty chill around the house. It just doesn't seem so intense as last time. Maybe that's because I don't have quite the same crazy high level of hormones floating around as I did when they were my eggs. Or maybe it's because I have a much healthier balance between hope and reality this time around. Whatever the case may be, I'm thankful for the calm feelings.
If you're lucky enough to be in Colorado right now, I hope you're enjoying the beautiful thunder storm and light rain that just blew over. It'll be a great way to fall asleep and dream of fertilizing embryos.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Good News
Well friends, I'm happy to report that things are looking good. Our donor has been "triggered" today, which means that her eggs will be retrieved on Monday. The doctors are expecting somewhere around 10-11 eggs. Usually I think about 2/3 will fertilize if everything is normal. Having 6-8 embryos would be great for increasing our chances of actually getting pregnant.
As for my end of things, my lining did get to 15-16mm thick, but the doctor said this is fine. They aren't worried about it at all!
I think I'm finally able to relax and breathe a little. Maybe even smile from time to time :)
My next update from the facility will be on Tuesday telling us how many eggs they ultimately retrieved and how many fertilized. After that, I'll get a report on Thursday morning for how many are still growing and what quality they are. There's about a 20% chance I would go to transfer on Thursday morning, and about an 80% chance the transfer would Saturday. Whatever day it is, I'm then committed to 48hours of bed rest. I'm lining up the books and movies right now!
As for my end of things, my lining did get to 15-16mm thick, but the doctor said this is fine. They aren't worried about it at all!
I think I'm finally able to relax and breathe a little. Maybe even smile from time to time :)
My next update from the facility will be on Tuesday telling us how many eggs they ultimately retrieved and how many fertilized. After that, I'll get a report on Thursday morning for how many are still growing and what quality they are. There's about a 20% chance I would go to transfer on Thursday morning, and about an 80% chance the transfer would Saturday. Whatever day it is, I'm then committed to 48hours of bed rest. I'm lining up the books and movies right now!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The legacy of DES
The miracle of modern medicine is not always such a miracle. A recent article in one of my journals got me to thinking about the risks involved in taking all of these drugs as a way to get pregnant. The article was on the legacy of DES. DES stands for diethylstilbutrol (or something like that), and it was a drug used from the 1920's to the 1950s. DES is a relative of estrogen, and it initially had many commercial uses, both in foods and livestock, as well as eventually in medicine. They gave it to women who were pregnant to reduce the morning sickness, and eventually as a preventative against miscarriage. There really wasn't any evidence to support its use in this way, but it didn't seem to cause any real harm and so it continued to be prescribed for quite some time.
Those women prescribed DES for the most part had uneventful pregnancies and births. It wasn't until their children hit puberty that things started happening. The babies exposed to DES in utero (specifically the female babies) experienced some sort of permanent change to their reproductive organs. At the ripe old age of 15-19 these young women were contracting a rare type of vaginal cancer called Clear Cell Adenocarcinoma. I don't know the details on how deadly it was or how difficult to cure, but cancer for a young girl is never good, especially in that area. And then those young women had all of the side effects of their cancer treatment, which could certainly put their own reproductive future at risk. Turns out the males had some long-lasting problems too, but it wasn't cancer and it took someone looking for problems to figure it out.
As I'm sure you can imagine, it was not easy to track the root of this cancer problem back to a drug given to these girls' mothers 15-20 years ago. But this was the beginning of a huge push to ensure that all drugs given to pregnant women are safe for the mother AND the fetus. Mostly that testing is done in animals.
So what about the drugs I'm taking now. I trust my doctors, and IVF has been around for ~10 years now. But the drugs that I am specifically taking are probably relatively new to the market. And no one has been able to say that children with exposure to these things are going to be normal in their teens. We just haven't gotten there yet. But this is the path I've chosen. Might as well go through with it full force and hope for the best.
Those women prescribed DES for the most part had uneventful pregnancies and births. It wasn't until their children hit puberty that things started happening. The babies exposed to DES in utero (specifically the female babies) experienced some sort of permanent change to their reproductive organs. At the ripe old age of 15-19 these young women were contracting a rare type of vaginal cancer called Clear Cell Adenocarcinoma. I don't know the details on how deadly it was or how difficult to cure, but cancer for a young girl is never good, especially in that area. And then those young women had all of the side effects of their cancer treatment, which could certainly put their own reproductive future at risk. Turns out the males had some long-lasting problems too, but it wasn't cancer and it took someone looking for problems to figure it out.
As I'm sure you can imagine, it was not easy to track the root of this cancer problem back to a drug given to these girls' mothers 15-20 years ago. But this was the beginning of a huge push to ensure that all drugs given to pregnant women are safe for the mother AND the fetus. Mostly that testing is done in animals.
So what about the drugs I'm taking now. I trust my doctors, and IVF has been around for ~10 years now. But the drugs that I am specifically taking are probably relatively new to the market. And no one has been able to say that children with exposure to these things are going to be normal in their teens. We just haven't gotten there yet. But this is the path I've chosen. Might as well go through with it full force and hope for the best.
Friday, June 3, 2011
lining check
So my job right now is pretty simple: grow a uterine lining. But the experts aren't exactly leaving it up to me. They've devised a very specific regimen to get things just right. Well, maybe... I've been on the estrogen patches as described in my prior post, and the amount of estrogen helps determine the thickness of the uterine lining. The goal would be that by the time we're ready for transfer (about 2 weeks away), my lining would be between 8 and 13mm thick. So I went yesterday for an ultrasound to check the thickness. I'm already at 9mm. So that seems like a good thing, but too much is not actually so good. I think if the lining ends up being significantly over 13mm, they won't let me go through to transfer. All of the embryos would be frozen and they would try again later to get the lining right. Unfortunately, frozen embryo cycles have a significantly lower success rate than fresh cycles.
So what now? well, I'm still waiting to hear definitely from the doctor but I think they will just decrease the number of estrogen patches I have to wear. We'll see if it will be enough.
So what now? well, I'm still waiting to hear definitely from the doctor but I think they will just decrease the number of estrogen patches I have to wear. We'll see if it will be enough.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Estrogen is good
I am now 4 days into wearing an estrogen patch all the time. Prior to this my hormones were essentially suppressed with lupron shots. The shots themselves are akin to insulin shots (tiny needles, small amount of harmless fluid injected), but they pack a mean punch when it comes to your hormones. I was almost instantly tired and crying at the drop of a hat.
But now...Now I have estrogen. What a wonderful and magical hormone. I have more energy, more drive, more life. So why don't women everywhere slap on these unassuming little energy boosters? Well, they can increase the risk of breast and uterine cancers. They may also increase the risk of heart disease and stroke. Supposedly they trigger migraines as well. But all that is for when you get exposed to extra estrogen for years on end.
So for now, here's to energy! I needed something since I had to give up caffeine...
But now...Now I have estrogen. What a wonderful and magical hormone. I have more energy, more drive, more life. So why don't women everywhere slap on these unassuming little energy boosters? Well, they can increase the risk of breast and uterine cancers. They may also increase the risk of heart disease and stroke. Supposedly they trigger migraines as well. But all that is for when you get exposed to extra estrogen for years on end.
So for now, here's to energy! I needed something since I had to give up caffeine...
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Starting Over
It's been a long time since I last updated this blog, and I thank all of you who followed along last time. In the two years since our last adventure, we've been having some fun out here in Colorado. I've been busy with residency, which is incredible, and incredibly hard. We've also skied a lot, hiked a lot, ate and drank a lot, and generally had some fun. But the time has come to try again. We still want a family. But the doctors were pretty sure it wouldn't happen the old fashioned way, and not even the old fashioned + high tech way. My eggs just don't seem to have what it takes. So we've found an anonymous egg donor!
Here's the crazy thing: all of this is just a few weeks away!! Let me catch you up. We found a donor in January, but she backed out in February. We found another donor in March, but she wasn't available in April and I wasn't available in May. So June is the month. The money is paid (LOTS of money), and I've already started on the drugs. The drugs are much easier for me this time, because I don't need to grow a lot of eggs. I just need to be on someone else's monthly schedule. But somewhere out there is a young woman who is also taking a lot of drugs, and doing it just for us (and $5,000).
If all goes according to plan, by the end of June I'll know if it worked. The odds are in our favor. At this institution, the success rate for one round of egg donor cycle is 80-85% chance of taking home a baby. Now that's pretty good odds. But it's not 100%, and I've already beaten some tough odds to get here in the first place. There aren't many 26 year old women out there who absolutely cannot get pregnant in four years with two rounds of IVF. But I'm trying to be positive. In fact, I've practically had divine intervention that said I need to just have a little faith. So here it goes... I'm ready to believe and to hope. Wish us luck.
Here's the crazy thing: all of this is just a few weeks away!! Let me catch you up. We found a donor in January, but she backed out in February. We found another donor in March, but she wasn't available in April and I wasn't available in May. So June is the month. The money is paid (LOTS of money), and I've already started on the drugs. The drugs are much easier for me this time, because I don't need to grow a lot of eggs. I just need to be on someone else's monthly schedule. But somewhere out there is a young woman who is also taking a lot of drugs, and doing it just for us (and $5,000).
If all goes according to plan, by the end of June I'll know if it worked. The odds are in our favor. At this institution, the success rate for one round of egg donor cycle is 80-85% chance of taking home a baby. Now that's pretty good odds. But it's not 100%, and I've already beaten some tough odds to get here in the first place. There aren't many 26 year old women out there who absolutely cannot get pregnant in four years with two rounds of IVF. But I'm trying to be positive. In fact, I've practically had divine intervention that said I need to just have a little faith. So here it goes... I'm ready to believe and to hope. Wish us luck.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Not how I thought this would end
Today we were all ready for the transfer. I was thinking two, maybe three embryos. At least one. But the doctor called this morning and said that after fertilizing a few days ago, they all three stopped growing. Just stopped. No explanation as to why. But that means there are no embryos to transfer. No bed rest today. No pregnancy test in 2 weeks. That's it.
I've been through a range of emotions already, from devastation to rage to despair and defeat. Now I'm just a little numb. I don't really know what to do with myself. I guess I could have some caffeine or alcohol today. I could probably start running about a week or so. But those things are little consolation. Maybe Dane and I will try to take a vacation before I begin residency. Who knows. I think today I will lay on the couch and watch a mindless movie. I just don't think I can concentrate on anything else.
It's hard to believe it's over, just like that. We'll still find a way to be parents some day, but probably not until after residency. Thanks for following along on this crazy journey.
~Sarah
I've been through a range of emotions already, from devastation to rage to despair and defeat. Now I'm just a little numb. I don't really know what to do with myself. I guess I could have some caffeine or alcohol today. I could probably start running about a week or so. But those things are little consolation. Maybe Dane and I will try to take a vacation before I begin residency. Who knows. I think today I will lay on the couch and watch a mindless movie. I just don't think I can concentrate on anything else.
It's hard to believe it's over, just like that. We'll still find a way to be parents some day, but probably not until after residency. Thanks for following along on this crazy journey.
~Sarah
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Waiting by the phone
Today was one of the most frustrating days so far. I expected to hear from either the doctor or the embryologist this morning with an update on the other eggs and the fertilized embryos. But no call came. I tried very hard to be patient. Yesterday they called at about noon. So today I waited until 2:30 and called the office. Being a Sunday, they have only an answering service on the phones, whether someone is there or not. So I left my name and number, and a nurse was supposed to call me back in a few minutes. Half an hour later she called back.
This nurse was surprised that I was supposed to hear from someone today because they've all gone home already. And if I am actually supposed to have a transfer tomorrow, someone should have told me when and where to show up, among other things. She sounded skeptical of my story, but promised to investigate and get back to me. Another hour went by and the nurse called back to say that my transfer will be tomorrow, and my doctor would be calling me soon to discuss further. But what about the embryos, I asked. She said none of the other eggs had matured. So they didn't even get to try to fertilize them. That's all she knew. She had no update on the existing embryos, how they looked, if they were still all good, or anything. She said the doctor would call and the doctor would know more.
The doctor finally called at 8pm. She had been on call today in what she described as a very crazy day, and she apologized for not calling sooner. She confirmed everything the nurse had said initially, and didn't really have any new information beyond that. They won't have an update on the three initially fertilized embryos until tomorrow morning. At that point we'll discuss the plan. If there are one or two embryos only, they will transfer all they have. If there are three, and they all look great, then we'll have to discuss. The possibility of triplets is concerning, but freezing/thawing just one embryo is very risky as only 80% tend to survive that process. So we'll see what they say tomorrow on that.
The nurse and the doctor say I should try to get some rest. Try to relax. I'm gonna go take a hot bath right now. But I don't really know how to put my mind at ease. It feels like so much is at stake. So much is resting on this one attempt. I had really, really hoped that there would be a few backups. But I'll give it my best. After the transfer tomorrow then I'm on strict bed rest (I can get up for bathroom breaks only) for the remainder of Monday and all day Tuesday. I've already TiVo'd lots of movies and have a good book picked out. It will probably be the longest amount of rest I'll get for the next few years, at least until residency is done. If I have triplets, it will be even longer. I'll try to relish it.
This nurse was surprised that I was supposed to hear from someone today because they've all gone home already. And if I am actually supposed to have a transfer tomorrow, someone should have told me when and where to show up, among other things. She sounded skeptical of my story, but promised to investigate and get back to me. Another hour went by and the nurse called back to say that my transfer will be tomorrow, and my doctor would be calling me soon to discuss further. But what about the embryos, I asked. She said none of the other eggs had matured. So they didn't even get to try to fertilize them. That's all she knew. She had no update on the existing embryos, how they looked, if they were still all good, or anything. She said the doctor would call and the doctor would know more.
The doctor finally called at 8pm. She had been on call today in what she described as a very crazy day, and she apologized for not calling sooner. She confirmed everything the nurse had said initially, and didn't really have any new information beyond that. They won't have an update on the three initially fertilized embryos until tomorrow morning. At that point we'll discuss the plan. If there are one or two embryos only, they will transfer all they have. If there are three, and they all look great, then we'll have to discuss. The possibility of triplets is concerning, but freezing/thawing just one embryo is very risky as only 80% tend to survive that process. So we'll see what they say tomorrow on that.
The nurse and the doctor say I should try to get some rest. Try to relax. I'm gonna go take a hot bath right now. But I don't really know how to put my mind at ease. It feels like so much is at stake. So much is resting on this one attempt. I had really, really hoped that there would be a few backups. But I'll give it my best. After the transfer tomorrow then I'm on strict bed rest (I can get up for bathroom breaks only) for the remainder of Monday and all day Tuesday. I've already TiVo'd lots of movies and have a good book picked out. It will probably be the longest amount of rest I'll get for the next few years, at least until residency is done. If I have triplets, it will be even longer. I'll try to relish it.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
hurdles
Yesterday's excitement of harvesting 11 eggs was relatively short lived. The doctor called today to inform us that only 3 had fertilized normally. So here's the breakdown: 4/11 were too immature to try to fertilize yesterday, so they'll try today and tell us how it went tomorrow. 1/11 appears to have done nothing. 3/11 fertilized abnormally by allowing more than one sperm to penetrate the egg, so they are genetically incompatible with life as they have 3 or more copies of all the genes, instead of the normal 2. And that leaves the 3 normal ones. Three is better than zero, but it is quite disappointing nonetheless.
Tomorrow she'll call back and tell me if those three are still growing ok, and if any of the 4 previously immature were able to fertilize. They will actually use a procedure called ICSI (Intra Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection) to try to maximize fertilization for those others. I don't really expect any of them to fertilize given that they were immature at retrieval, but we'll see.
I just feel like I'm running a race with an unknown number of hurdles. Everytime I jump over one, I hope that the end of the race is coming soon and there won't be any other hurdles, but then there's another one waiting. And I keep watching all these people around me running a simple hundred yard dash with narry a hurdle in sight. And I have no choice but to keep running, and keep jumping. Or just give up on the race. I don't want to give up, but I'm tired. I'm mentally tired and emotionally tired, and quickly becoming physically tired.
I asked Dane today, "When does the disappointment end?" He said "When you stop trying". It's not the answer I want, but it's the truth.
Tomorrow she'll call back and tell me if those three are still growing ok, and if any of the 4 previously immature were able to fertilize. They will actually use a procedure called ICSI (Intra Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection) to try to maximize fertilization for those others. I don't really expect any of them to fertilize given that they were immature at retrieval, but we'll see.
I just feel like I'm running a race with an unknown number of hurdles. Everytime I jump over one, I hope that the end of the race is coming soon and there won't be any other hurdles, but then there's another one waiting. And I keep watching all these people around me running a simple hundred yard dash with narry a hurdle in sight. And I have no choice but to keep running, and keep jumping. Or just give up on the race. I don't want to give up, but I'm tired. I'm mentally tired and emotionally tired, and quickly becoming physically tired.
I asked Dane today, "When does the disappointment end?" He said "When you stop trying". It's not the answer I want, but it's the truth.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Short, sweet, and to the number
We got 11 eggs!! The retrieval went well, and Versed is a fantastic drug. The embryologist informed us that they were able to retrieve 11 eggs, which is great compared to the 3 we got last time. They'll call tomorrow with the fertilization report. On average, they expect about 60-70% fertilization rate, assuming there are no problems. So we'll see what they say tomorrow.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
a tide of emotions
ok, i'm definitely emotional. I just got a call back from the pharmacy and they agreed that there was a mixup about the extra medication, and they are going to take it back. They will credit my account the $600 when they receive the medication back, and they are paying for shipping. This news made me teary, in a good way.
after last night's post and subsequent shot (ouch), I laid awake in bed for what seemed like forever just thinking about all the what ifs. What if this works and i get pregnant? How will that work with my residency? Where would we put the crib? What would we name the baby? What if this doesn't work? Would we adopt a baby? International or domestic? Would anyone choose us to adopt their baby? Would we want to have a white baby and play it off as our own, or would we pick any race/color/ethnicity and have it be totally obvious and open that the child is adopted? How ironic would it be if we got pregnant on our own after two failed IVF attempts? How exciting would it be to be able to share that news with Dane after secretly buying a pregnancy test at the store? And then we could tell all of our friends and family! it would be so exciting! you can see how all of this mind racing is not good for sleeping. so another nap could be in my future today.
I met with the nurse this morning, and the reason they decided to trigger ovulation for Friday retrieval is that all of a sudden my eggs starting growing like crazy! One of them grew nearly a whole centimeter in just one day!! And there appear to be 5-6 on each side right now. They won't all be good probably, but if we get a few from each side, that would be double what we had last time. My estrogen level is now around 3000-4000! So I guess I have an excuse for being emotional. I'll get one more call this afternoon to let me know if the trigger shot worked based on my blood test results. If not, I go in for a booster. But either way, tomorrow at noon will be the retrieval. Just our luck that tomorrow at 10am is supposed to be the peak of a big spring snow storm slated to bring in 1-2 feet of snow to the metro area!! The plan will be to leave early, drive slow, take the 4-runner, and let dane be the one behind the wheel. If we had a wreck on the way down there, I believe it would be grounds for my wanting to leave Colorado. I will say my prayers for safe travels.
after last night's post and subsequent shot (ouch), I laid awake in bed for what seemed like forever just thinking about all the what ifs. What if this works and i get pregnant? How will that work with my residency? Where would we put the crib? What would we name the baby? What if this doesn't work? Would we adopt a baby? International or domestic? Would anyone choose us to adopt their baby? Would we want to have a white baby and play it off as our own, or would we pick any race/color/ethnicity and have it be totally obvious and open that the child is adopted? How ironic would it be if we got pregnant on our own after two failed IVF attempts? How exciting would it be to be able to share that news with Dane after secretly buying a pregnancy test at the store? And then we could tell all of our friends and family! it would be so exciting!
I met with the nurse this morning, and the reason they decided to trigger ovulation for Friday retrieval is that all of a sudden my eggs starting growing like crazy! One of them grew nearly a whole centimeter in just one day!! And there appear to be 5-6 on each side right now. They won't all be good probably, but if we get a few from each side, that would be double what we had last time. My estrogen level is now around 3000-4000! So I guess I have an excuse for being emotional. I'll get one more call this afternoon to let me know if the trigger shot worked based on my blood test results. If not, I go in for a booster. But either way, tomorrow at noon will be the retrieval. Just our luck that tomorrow at 10am is supposed to be the peak of a big spring snow storm slated to bring in 1-2 feet of snow to the metro area!! The plan will be to leave early, drive slow, take the 4-runner, and let dane be the one behind the wheel. If we had a wreck on the way down there, I believe it would be grounds for my wanting to leave Colorado. I will say my prayers for safe travels.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Let the countdown begin.
I have no idea if blogspot tells you what time I'm writing these things, but it is currently 12:40am in Denver. In 20 minutes I'm supposed to give myself a huge shot in the bum that will trigger ovulation exactly 36 hours later. That would be 1pm on Friday afternoon. Luckily, at Noon on Friday I will be falling deep asleep under the watchful eye of an anesthetist, while the doctor harvests my eggs.
This is a very precisely timed operation, and it seems I got the raw end of the deal. They usually start the egg retrievals early in the morning, meaning most people give themselves this shot at a normal time, like 9pm or 10pm. But if they have a lot to do in one day, then they continue scheduling until they are all done. The nurse initially thought I would be ready for retrieval on Saturday or Sunday. But all of a sudden in the last two days my eggs started growing a lot faster. And it's also possible that my body decided to trigger ovulation on its own and their hand is now forced. I'm not sure which it is, but I have the instructions to go ahead. And I've unfortunately drawn the short straw and have the latest egg retrieval appointment. Hence, the 1am shot.
Honestly though, I'm glad this is finally happening now. This morning I was really going down hill with respect to mood and patience. I've been doing ok so far, but for the past few nights I've been getting more dizzy and nauseus at night. So I don't think I've been sleeping so well. And this morning I awoke to a phone call saying my morning monitoring appointment would have to be moved to another office much further away because the ultrasound tech at my normal office called in sick. This was quite an inconvenience in an already busy day, but what choice did I have? Next I picked up my latest shipment of world's most expensive medication, only to find they sent me double the amount that I ordered. And they charged me for it! I promptly called their helpdesk, but the woman said a Patient Services Representative would have to sort it out and call me later. She made it sound like the problem was mine, not theirs. I was sooo furious. And at that point, I totally lost it. I was crying, sobbing, completely breaking down. Not on the phone of course, just in the car with Dane. I said how much I hate all of this and I can't wait until it's done. I said I would never, ever, ever go through this again. And I thought, but didn't say, that having kids was probably not worth all of this bullshit.
We came home and I decided the best thing was to lay down for a bit. Two hours later I woke feeling much better. The medication shipment mistake has not quite been resolved despite my calling again, but at least the second customer representative was more friendly and apologetic for the mistake. In any case, the situation certainly did not warrant such drama. I was even aware of that at the time. But I felt completely at the mercy of my emotional surge. So it's better that their going to finally get these estrogen making buggers out, and I can hopefully go back to dealing with this incredibly stressful situation like a normal person instead of like a crazy possessed person.
oop, it's 12:58. Gotta go.
This is a very precisely timed operation, and it seems I got the raw end of the deal. They usually start the egg retrievals early in the morning, meaning most people give themselves this shot at a normal time, like 9pm or 10pm. But if they have a lot to do in one day, then they continue scheduling until they are all done. The nurse initially thought I would be ready for retrieval on Saturday or Sunday. But all of a sudden in the last two days my eggs started growing a lot faster. And it's also possible that my body decided to trigger ovulation on its own and their hand is now forced. I'm not sure which it is, but I have the instructions to go ahead. And I've unfortunately drawn the short straw and have the latest egg retrieval appointment. Hence, the 1am shot.
Honestly though, I'm glad this is finally happening now. This morning I was really going down hill with respect to mood and patience. I've been doing ok so far, but for the past few nights I've been getting more dizzy and nauseus at night. So I don't think I've been sleeping so well. And this morning I awoke to a phone call saying my morning monitoring appointment would have to be moved to another office much further away because the ultrasound tech at my normal office called in sick. This was quite an inconvenience in an already busy day, but what choice did I have? Next I picked up my latest shipment of world's most expensive medication, only to find they sent me double the amount that I ordered. And they charged me for it! I promptly called their helpdesk, but the woman said a Patient Services Representative would have to sort it out and call me later. She made it sound like the problem was mine, not theirs. I was sooo furious. And at that point, I totally lost it. I was crying, sobbing, completely breaking down. Not on the phone of course, just in the car with Dane. I said how much I hate all of this and I can't wait until it's done. I said I would never, ever, ever go through this again. And I thought, but didn't say, that having kids was probably not worth all of this bullshit.
We came home and I decided the best thing was to lay down for a bit. Two hours later I woke feeling much better. The medication shipment mistake has not quite been resolved despite my calling again, but at least the second customer representative was more friendly and apologetic for the mistake. In any case, the situation certainly did not warrant such drama. I was even aware of that at the time. But I felt completely at the mercy of my emotional surge. So it's better that their going to finally get these estrogen making buggers out, and I can hopefully go back to dealing with this incredibly stressful situation like a normal person instead of like a crazy possessed person.
oop, it's 12:58. Gotta go.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)